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NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?

NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« on: October 09, 2005, 09:40:41 AM »
Hello.  I need some advice.  I just finished my applications for fall 2006.  I've been dating the same guy for 3 years now, and we're definitely in love, a great match, etc.  He brought up marriage the other day.  (Just a discussion, not a formal proposal or anything.)  Now, my question is WHEN to marry.  I was thinking that the best move would be to wait until after law school, but then I'd be busy with a new job.  So then I was thinking after a year or two in my new job, but then would the firm deny me promotion or not take me as seriously, labeling me as a "family woman" and assuming I'd get pregnant?  (I currently don't want children.)  The only other option would be getting married before law school.  (My boyfriend/fiance has said that he'd be dedicated to moving wherever I end up going to.)  Any advice??  It'd be greatly appreciated.

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2005, 09:48:53 AM »
I'm in sorta the same situation.  My guy and I have been together for 2+ years and have recently been talking seriously about marriage (scary and exciting at the same time).  He says that he would be okay moving to wherever I end up going to law school too, but as far as the actually getting married part I have the same conundrum...WHEN

sck

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Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2005, 10:07:04 AM »
I've been pondering this, myself, although the boyfriend and I have just been dating for six months (but we've still talked about this whole thing; it helps that we're both in our 30s). For me, it seems like before, or after the first year, would be best. I'm not applying until next year.

Our main issue is we both want kids, so the question is more not 'when to marry' but 'when to have kids'.

One thing to keep in mind that's sort of negative: being married can cut down on the amount of need-based aid you qualify for, since your spouse's income has to be reported as well.

kmanista

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2005, 10:28:52 AM »
I am a big fan of marriage, even if it does cut down your aid (and it may not, because some schools will look at your spouse's income instead of your parents', which actually does me a lot of good).

I have a friend who is a 2L at Duke and she says her husband saved her sanity her first year -- made sure she ate, did the housework, etc. 

I think major firms might assume you're going for the Mommy Track, but I'm not interested in major firms, so it's not a concern.  The when to have kids question is a tough one though -- my same friend as above is going to try to have a baby in the winter of her 3L, she says that you can do all independent study / infrequent seminar classes your last semester.

Oh, and planning a wedding is VERY stressful, so think about that.  Do you want to do it now, while you're applying?  Or during law school? 

jdw112

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2005, 10:37:07 AM »
No earlier than the completion of 1L. After that, do whatever you want. Your 1L grades will have a huge effect on your legal career. Do you really need dopey first-year marriage issues screwing everything up?

Hello.  I need some advice.  I just finished my applications for fall 2006.  I've been dating the same guy for 3 years now, and we're definitely in love, a great match, etc.  He brought up marriage the other day.  (Just a discussion, not a formal proposal or anything.)  Now, my question is WHEN to marry.  I was thinking that the best move would be to wait until after law school, but then I'd be busy with a new job.  So then I was thinking after a year or two in my new job, but then would the firm deny me promotion or not take me as seriously, labeling me as a "family woman" and assuming I'd get pregnant?  (I currently don't want children.)  The only other option would be getting married before law school.  (My boyfriend/fiance has said that he'd be dedicated to moving wherever I end up going to.)  Any advice??  It'd be greatly appreciated.

Nemesis

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Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2005, 10:39:27 AM »
I have a friend who is a 2L at Duke and she says her husband saved her sanity her first year -- made sure she ate, did the housework, etc. 

Men  :-\

EDIT: My bad. HE did the housework. I thought you meant he made sure SHE did the housework. It makes sense now. Sorry guys!  ::)

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2005, 10:42:04 AM »
Having planned my own wedding while in my first year of grad school, I would say either get married before law school or after 2L because the schedule for 1L is SOO hectic that even a simple wedding can be murder to plan.  And I really think that the security and support that come with marraige will be helpful in law school.  So that's my opinion, but really no matter when you get married it's not as big of a career changer as having kids.  But I wouldn't worry too much about the fear of Mommy Track.  If you are interested in the biglaw life, you do NOT have to tell potential employers you are married if you think it would be a problem (just don't wear your ring to interviews, don't mention it, they can't ask in most cases and you don't have to answer).  It's none of their business and they are not allowed to ask if you are planning on having kids.  That said, in general if employers are concerned about the possibility of kids later in life, they tend to think all women are headed that direction if they are about the right age.  Sucks, but I would say it's sort of out of your control.  Still deciding when and if to have kids if you want to is a really hard decision, but still one you do have the right to be secretive about when it comes to potential employers. 

jdw112

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2005, 10:44:08 AM »
It's poorly written sentence, but it seems like the guy was doing the housework. If so, he is definitely praiseworthy.

I have a friend who is a 2L at Duke and she says her husband saved her sanity her first year -- made sure she ate, did the housework, etc. 

Men  :-\

kmanista

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2005, 10:47:44 AM »
Yeah, sorry about that -- her husband did all the housework, cooked for her, etc. 

Anyway, I definitely agree with thenextstep that there's a lot to be said for the security and stability of marriage.  If you do decide to get married before starting law school, I definitely recommend pre-marital counseling - they'll give you some great tools for communication that will help a lot with those "dopey first year of marriage issues".

Re: NTS needs advice: to marry or not to marry?
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2005, 07:01:11 PM »
I got married in my second year.  I planned the wedding with her during the first semester of my second year, and got married and honeymooned during the second semester.  And I had much better grades that year than my one-L, when we were apart.  And I do all the cooking.
So the only advice I can give to you is: marriage is a good thing.