When George W. Bush was elected governor of Texas back in '94, his friends began to notice a very curious character trait. 'We were out to dinner - the entire staff of the governors,' explained an unnamed source, 'And the bill came, and Governor Bush offered to pay. I noticed that he very guardedly took the bill and very deliberately signed the bill. Before the waitress took her copy, I looked down, and noticed that he signed in the place for his name a big X.' Weeks later, it became apparent to the Texas Legislature that the Governor Bush might be functionally illiterate. The little sister of the unnamed source said, 'The Texas legislator had presented to him a bill that would that would open up oil exploration off of Padre Island near a sanctuary for endangered sea turtles. He signed the bill - after sharpening his green crayon from his big box of Crayola - with an X.' 'My seven-year-old son, who was with me that day at work, noticed that he signed with an X, and began to laugh. Later that day, I took my son aside and said, 'That man - our governor is a functional illiterate. Do you know what that means' He isn't as lucky as you and me. He can't read. We can't make fun of people like that - it's not right.''
Now that the rumor of George Bush's functional illiteracy has surfaced in the press, Karl Rowe the head of the Bush campaign has denied it vehemently. 'Governor Bush is an avid reader.' To support this assertion, Governor Bush's campaign offered a press release that Governor Bush has been slogging his way through the following books: 'Blues Clues' - a sort of whodunit, 'Harry Potter,' 'Keith Hernandez's: Who's on first'' and the entire Paddington Bear series. But upon a closer examination of Bush's academic record, it appears evident that he did struggle in the area of reading. Initially George W. Bush was put into a slow reading group that met in a basement classroom, and a specially-trained teacher was brought in to help with their reading skills. In his second-year at Yale, he was moved out of this slow reading group and entered the regular English classes. By his third year, he became such an enthusiast for English that he decided to major in phonics.'
The Bush family has taken personally this attack on W. Bush's so-called functional illiteracy problem.
'It's a bunch of nonsense,' declared Barbara Bush, 'He went to Yale undergrad., and Harvard for graduate school. How could someone get through these fine institutions without learning how to read''
'It's not like he was some inner city kid who went there on a basketball or football scholarship, and the teachers just gave him passing grades to get him through,' former President Bush added. 'He had to work hard, he's a fine boy.'
In fact, a classmate of his from Exeter and Yale said that he really had to work hard in order to get into Yale. Everyday I would see Georgie toil away at the Prescott Walker Bush Memorial Wing at Yale in preparation for his college boards.
On the Today show with Katie Couric, George Bush was asked yet again about his battle with functional illiteracy and again he claimed that he was an avid reader.
'You've claimed to have read the entire Paddington Bear series''
'Yeah.'
'If that's the case, can you tell me where Paddington Bear is from: A) China B) Iceland C) Peru D) Norway''
'I'm not gonna play this type of gotcha journalism-'
'- would you like to use one of your life lines''
'I'll use my 50-50.'
'Okay remove the two wrong answers, your left with B)Iceland C) Peru''
'It's Iceland, right''
'Is that your final answer''
'Yeah.'
'It's Peru. Governor Bush, be honest with the American people. You've never read the Paddington Bear series. If you're prepared to lie to the American people on this issue, how can we trust you on anything else.'
Nevertheless it is apparent the Governor Bush has made great strides in overcoming adult functional illiteracy. At the Republican convention, it was evident that he gave one of his best speeches, though he did need to use his index finger to follow the teleprompter. Perhaps one of the most dramatic moments of his speech came when he made this promise. When I put my hand on the Cliff note's version of the Bible and swear to uphold the dignity of the office, the Republicans felt convinced that the integrity which he exhibited in this statement would overshadow the fact that he can only read at a third grade level.
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