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Author Topic: Need input on one line of personal statement  (Read 499 times)

PNym

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Need input on one line of personal statement
« on: October 31, 2007, 02:00:30 PM »
The last line of my PS currently reads:

The gold medal I keep is a constant reminder of the value of focus and hard work

I'm thinking of changing it to read:

Focused perseverance won me a gold medal, even now a memento of dedicationís returns.

Which line do you think is better? I'm worried that the phrasing of the latter sounds too contrived, but it more accurately captures what I'm trying to convey in my statement.

carit

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Re: Need input on one line of personal statement
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2007, 02:15:12 PM »
The first one sounds a little general, as though you could have put anything in the first half of the sentence and said that it taught you the value of hard work. I'd go with the second one.
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Sra

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Re: Need input on one line of personal statement
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2007, 02:20:56 PM »
I'd start with the second one, but revise it some more. The dedication's returns thing doesn't work for me. I'd reconstruct the portion of the sentence following the comma to read something like "and this token will forever remind me of the rewards of dedication." But in your own words, of course.