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Yet another personal statement...

kirchner

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Yet another personal statement...
« on: October 15, 2007, 10:06:28 AM »
Hey all, this is pretty rough, but I'm just looking for impressions.  I have a gut feeling that the first paragraph is not necessary.  Thanks much.

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[...snip...] On the advice of the first responder, I removed the text of the essay.  Please PM me if you are interesting in reading it.

Thanks!

ghil04

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2007, 11:10:28 AM »
Hey Kirchner,

You should probably PM your essay specifically to those who are willing to give it a read - I think it's a bit of a risk to open your essay up for public view when you haven't submitted it yet.  On top of that, some people might be hesitant about providing feedback that's available for all to view. 

That said, though, here are my thoughts:

- Keep the first paragraph but definitely re-tool it so that it better leads into your anecdote
- I know that you're experience with improv started with stand-up comedy, but I think the transition could've been softer.  When I read the first line of your second paragraph, I was expecting to get a full essay on stand-up comedy, not improvisation.
- In the fourth paragraph, scratch the connections between intelligence and thought; the way it's written, you can't but blame the reader for stumbling
- Fix your ending.  You want to leave the reader with a sense of completion.  Throwing an ending in there about how 'I'm all the better for it' is trite, but more importantly extremely weak. 

Overall, though, I like the essay.  Improv/Comedy experience will definitely make you stand out, esp. since you're from a more technical background.  You're breaking stereotypes, and that's always a good thing :).

kirchner

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2007, 11:22:03 AM »
Thanks ghil04.  I appreciate the thoughtful suggestions. 

t L

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2007, 11:23:24 AM »
Sounds interesting.  I'll read it.  PM it over.

Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2007, 12:07:37 PM »
Send it my way...I will read it.

Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2007, 09:03:11 PM »
Score: 9.2 out of 10

kirchner

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2007, 05:03:02 AM »
Yer a hoot, woman. 

Seriously, I'm in your debt.  Thanks much. 

kirchner

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2007, 10:42:10 AM »
I've got an updated draft of this.  I need help cutting words out, improving the flow, and making the conclusion a bit more...conclusive.  I think the content is all there.

PM me if you can give it a read.  If you have a Gmail address, I can share it as a Google Doc (that is my preference).

Thank you!

libdem

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Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2007, 05:00:43 PM »
I'll read it. Want to swap/

Re: Yet another personal statement...
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2007, 11:54:15 AM »
PM me and I'll read it