Law School Discussion

How are these first two paragraphs?

3023

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How are these first two paragraphs?
« on: September 22, 2004, 12:14:30 AM »
I am trying to write my statement on a public interest angle, based on experiences I have had through research and philanthropy. I start out talking about the elder care system and then eventually plan to segway into my other experiences. I don't want it to be too political, but i want to show that i am passionate about the subject and have some substance to say and SHOW why i want to serve the public.
Ok here goes:

Ruth is a seventy five year old woman recovering from a broken hip, an unfortunate consequence of  a nurse’s accident, while bogged down by the elder care facility’s sheer quantity of residents, dropping her while assisting her out of bed. The same thing happened to Ed, a resident across the facility, last week. Actually, Ruth informs me that there have been six “drops” this month and it is an incident that is increasingly becoming commonplace.
   As my ethnographic research as a participant observer unfolded, I began to find more and more nuances of elder care that are not necessarily on the facility’s promotional brochure. Harried nurses, struggling with high levels of responsibility and comparatively low salaries, are attempting to provide the proper quality of care to more residents than they can handle while simultaneously receiving negative feedback from the residents and their families. The viscous cycle continues. This situation is not unique to this facility, for it is merely a microcosm of elder care in our country. 
   If you asked me a year ago, I would never have guessed that I, a 20 year old college senior, would be so concerned for the elder care system of the United States. Now that I have several months of first hand experience as a volunteer and researcher, I can honestly state that I am frustrated, appalled, and generally scared for the prospects of our nation’s elderly and aging baby boomer population. Elder abuse is a complex problem that involves both macro and micro levels of the elder care industry, and as a witness, I feel compelled to heighten the so-called “quality of care” and represent both the residents and the employees, both victims in their own right.

swifty

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Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2004, 01:16:26 AM »
Where do you mention philanthropy?  Based on the spelling mistakes, you could either mean you don't know what the word means, or you researched philanthropy?  Not sure what you are trying to say, at all. 

Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2004, 05:58:13 AM »
the first sentence is terrible.

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Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2004, 06:20:54 AM »
i normally don't respond to these, but i will give this one a shot.  i think you have the beginnings of a decent personal statement and i like how you went from a specific experience to a broader perspective.

i agree with cascagrossa about the first sentence.  there is a lot of potential in the first paragraph, i believe.  i would describe ruth's situation in greater detail, not necessarily in long, awkward sentences.  you might look at a magazine article or something similar for a model.  you are right: show what the effect that that accident had on ruth's life.  as it stands, you are just telling us -- and awkwardly so -- that she had an accident.  use shorter, clearer sentences and go into more detail about her accident. 

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Bruner

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Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2004, 07:04:44 AM »
The first sentence is way too long.  Also, you are only going to have around two, and at most three double spaced pages to work with.  What you have is a bunch of mumbo jumbo that tells me nothing about you and your qualities and what you would add to law school as far as diversity.  Unless your numbers are just extraordinary, your paper MUST give the adcom a reason to remember your name.  If you put too much emphasis on the problems of nursing facilities, which everyone knows suck and are in need of help, the adcom will end up having no idea who you are.   

Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2004, 09:19:16 PM »
I think it's a good start.  The topic is relevant.  It shows that you have compassion and why you want to be a lawyer.  It also lets them know you do community service.  I would just be careful that you don't lay it on too thick otherwise it won't sound genuine.

Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2004, 12:56:09 AM »
I think it sucks.  Tell them who you are not what project you did for an anthropology class!  Nursing homes suck, who didn't know that?  You know how to write, wow! So does everyone else applying to law school.  Just my honest feedback.

TiredStudent

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Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2004, 07:35:35 AM »
The topic is good, where you are going is good. Where it is is not so good. I agree the first sentence needs to bring the reader in, WHAM!! Your sentence is too convuluted and long. Change it up abit and post it again.

Re: How are these first two paragraphs?
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2004, 10:09:12 PM »
i think it is a hard read. Your sentence structure is far too complex, in addition it sounds like you are on a crusade to save nursing homes. I know it is hard and awful to see all that they are going through, but it is largely due to a lack of finances so unless you plan to donate your entire legal salary to better the facilities, being a lawyer won't help them much.