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Author Topic: Working on Saturday Is a Suck.  (Read 1166 times)

Julie Fern

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Re: Working on Saturday Is a Suck.
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2012, 05:58:36 PM »
what--he liked it or it make you feel better that he liked it?

clarity, people!

Duncanjp

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Re: Working on Saturday Is a Suck.
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2012, 09:46:27 PM »
Here's a terrible poem about it:

Working on Saturday
By Jihad Jesus

Woe is me
this Saturday morn
i would much rather
be eating corn
istead I labour
like Tony Blair's old party.

Oh to be Tony Blair
and to be called Anthony informally
i doubt he ever gets that
Mr. Blair is probably as informal
as it it ever gets for him
luckily our Saturday dress is
informal too
so i've got on jeans
and topsiders with socks.

I admire your courage for putting that out there, Jesus. That says something about your character. Well done. You have fortitude that the vast majority will never find. That said, you're right: this isn't particularly great poetry. Great poetry: 1) intimates as much or more than it speaks; 2) employs meter, alliteration, assonance, rhyme, double entendre, and other linguistic constructs. I do like the phrase,  "Anthony informally." That's perfect. The whole poem should read like that: two words that not only flow in poetic sympathy, but have a greater range of interpretation than the mere obvious. Definitely your best line. Shoot for more lines like that.

To show that I'm not just a critic, but a tortured, reclusive poet-songwriter-artist scratching away my soul by candlelight in the middle of the night myself, this reminds me of a brief piece I wrote some years ago:

It was the longest night of my life ó
Making love in moonlit clover.
Front to front
I touched her cóDamn!
Over.

It bears mentioning that poetic license is a myth. Readers see through it. I've read enough attempts at poetry where some law student was obviously sitting up late, pencil in tooth, beer in hand, furiously writing on some storm of inspiration. But the would-be poet never seems to bother rewriting, editing, and working with the language until the poem has actually been crafted to avoid glaring mistakes like forced rhymes. (You know: adding five extra syllables to the line just because the last word rhymes.) It cheapens the poetry.

Regardless, I love reading anybody's attempt to say something in an eloquent and creative way, so please don't take this as a negative critique. I've posted my own modest original songs - and I don't deny that they're modest - on a recordists' website now and then. The very first response I got to one of my tunes was some smart-ass who said that if he were forced to choose between listening to my material or being locked up in a jail cell with Bubba, he'd say, "Pass the K-Y jelly." LOL. Jerk.

Julie Fern

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Re: Working on Saturday Is a Suck.
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2012, 01:36:59 PM »
maybe he like bubba more you think.