My PS topic

[letmeinplz]

OK, I guess it's time to stop putting off writing my PS and get down to business.  I've come up with a very rough draft, and just wanted to know what others would think of it (so I wouldn't have to write this damn thing again)..  Any comment would be greatly appreciated.  It goes like this:

1) After I got my acceptance letter to undergrad, I got quite fat cause I relaxed a bit too much. (I think I gained about 20 pounds in 3 months or so)  I bought a treadmill and started jogging, and got back in shape.

2) I was born to a middle-class family and enjoyed a comfortable life until age 15.  Then my dad's business went bankrupt (due to the Asian crisis in 1997) and we immigrated to Canada.  After that, I faced many obstacles immigrants typically encounter - language barrier, cultural differences, etc. - on top of a financial problem.  Basically, it was an experience of downfall from the mainstream to a monority.

3) I'll somehow tie my experience in 2) to the weight problem in 1), comparing the challenges I faced to the countless hours of running I had to do.  I'll further compare my achievements in life to my successful weight loss, and assert that the challenges I faced actually enabled me to become who I am today.  I kinda hope that adcoms will see me as a guy with a positive spirit who can overcome obstacles..

what do you guys/gals think of this topic?  Please be honest as I can handle criticism.  heck, I'm even willing to scrap it if nobody likes it..    thanx in advance..

[newy]

I like 2 a lot.  Sounds like a great topic and shows your diversity in a non-obvious way.  For some reason, discussing weight and weight loss sounds like a bad idea unless you really lost a TON of weight and by a TON I mean ~300 pounds.

[letmeinplz]

oh, actually what I'm gonna do is combine 1) and 2).. maybe I shouldn't have numbered them, but really, my topic is 3).. 

so you didn't really like the weight problem part?  actually I thought it would be kinda cool to compare my life diffiulties to the weight problem, but maybe not, oh well..   any other comments, anyone?

[cascagrossa]

the only problem i see is that your weight gain was not significant so it sounds like you are bullshitting and exaggerating.  if you had gained 100 lbs or something, then it would make sense to write about, but the freshman ~15 is no big deal.

[long_gone]

Just go with #2.  That'll be good!

[swifty]

OK, I guess it's time to stop putting off writing my PS and get down to business.  I've come up with a very rough draft, and just wanted to know what others would think of it (so I wouldn't have to write this damn thing again)..  Any comment would be greatly appreciated.  It goes like this:

1) After I got my acceptance letter to undergrad, I got quite fat cause I relaxed a bit too much. (I think I gained about 20 pounds in 3 months or so)  I bought a treadmill and started jogging, and got back in shape.

2) I was born to a middle-class family and enjoyed a comfortable life until age 15.  Then my dad's business went bankrupt (due to the Asian crisis in 1997) and we immigrated to Canada.  After that, I faced many obstacles immigrants typically encounter - language barrier, cultural differences, etc. - on top of a financial problem.  Basically, it was an experience of downfall from the mainstream to a monority.

3) I'll somehow tie my experience in 2) to the weight problem in 1), comparing the challenges I faced to the countless hours of running I had to do.  I'll further compare my achievements in life to my successful weight loss, and assert that the challenges I faced actually enabled me to become who I am today.  I kinda hope that adcoms will see me as a guy with a positive spirit who can overcome obstacles..

what do you guys/gals think of this topic?  Please be honest as I can handle criticism.  heck, I'm even willing to scrap it if nobody likes it..    thanx in advance..

[shadowcreeper]

I agree that the weight loss topic might not be the best focus. The other part of your personal statement is far more interesting and shows your diversity and life experience. I know the weight loss might be important to you, and it might be an important accomplishment, but I agree 30 pounds that you gained your freshmen year is not significant enough to make it the focus of the personal statement. If it is important to you mention it, just do not focus on it.

If you were a child who was overweight by 200 pounds all your life, you were made fun of and beat up by other kids, had a hard time adjusting, could never loose it, got depressed, and hated yourself, then you decided to get serious and you lose the 200 pounds and you become a different person...that would be an acceptable topic because the weight loss had a profound affect on who you are.

[SNUGGLE]

I agree that the weight loss topic might not be the best focus. The other part of your personal statement is far more interesting and shows your diversity and life experience. I know the weight loss might be important to you, and it might be an important accomplishment, but I agree 30 pounds that you gained your freshmen year is not significant enough to make it the focus of the personal statement. If it is important to you mention it, just do not focus on it.

If you were a child who was overweight by 200 pounds all your life, you were made fun of and beat up by other kids, had a hard time adjusting, could never loose it, got depressed, and hated yourself, then you decided to get serious and you lose the 200 pounds and you become a different person...that would be an acceptable topic because the weight loss had a profound affect on who you are.

If 20 pounds had a dramatic impact on your life, you truely have a sad life.

[letmeinplz]

oh.. I think I was kinda vague about why I wanted to include the weight problem..  I never intended to focus on it anyway.  Rather, I was gonna focus on my life experiences I mentioned in 2) like everyone seems to suggest.  The only reason why I considered the weight gain was that I wanted to kinda paralell the efforts to lose weight to the difficulties I had in my life. Then I was gonna conclude that although the difficulties I faced were hard to deal with, they eventually helped me become strong and mature, like running on a treadmill did to my overweight body.

Simply put, I thought I would grab the reader's attention by opening my PS with something like "Sweat was dripping down my nose, and my CD player just finished playing the song which my brain was just too busy to catch."  Then I would quickly finish talking about the weight problem all together and focus on my experiences as a poor minority.

Anyway, I think I've actually found a better PS opener and decided to scrap the weight problem idea all together..  Thanx everyone~

[jacy85]

Yeah, paralleling the difficulties in your life that occured due to moving to canada and your family's finacial problems to losing 20lbs seems to trivalize the experience.  You don't need it, really.