DOWNY’s life came crashing down in one drunken night.
It all happened on Wednesday- DOWNY had been studying all day so that he could attend an unofficial law school social event at a neighborhood bar.
I went to the bar at 9 pm, sick of reading contracts and ready to drink. I started the typical DOWNY drinking- Black and Tans and Coronas as I get prepared for the night to start. I started out at an average pace, drinking my beer while trying to meet as many people from the law school as I could. Soon it was 9:45 pm and DOWNY was buzzed.
Sure enough, some feminine hygiene product bag at the bar learns that the law school is here and starts to make fun of us for drinking like pussies. “Law students!? HAHAH, pussies! You can’t drink!” the moron yells. He then proceeds to challenge the law students to a drinking contest- anyone who can stand up to him is invited.
This fucker was about 6’5, about 250 pounds and rather scary looking. DOWNY is 6’0, not too big and is a law student. DOWNY stepped up to the challenge and a shot-fest ensued.
The big guy ordered two shots of vodka to start. DOWNY, knowing that he can outdrink basically everyone, ordered six- READ: SIX- shots of tequila. As the big fucker tossed back his paltry two vodka shots, DOWNY slammed his six tequilas. The crowd went wild, which DOWNY thought was sweet. This of course only encouraged me.
Then the big @#!* ordered two Jack Daniel’s double shots, which of course is the equivalent of four shots. DOWNY followed suit and it was my turn to call.
DOWNY called 2 Jaeger Bombs, which were no problem for either of us.
The big shitface called two Wild Turkeys with a beer back. DOWNY took them with glee and immediately regretted it. In less than twenty minutes I had consumed 6 shots of tequila, 4 shots of Jack Daniel’s, 2 shots of Jaegermeister, 2 shots of Wild Turkey and a beer. This was on top of the three or four beers I had drank prior to the contest.
I staggered away to the bathroom, heralded by the shouts of joy from the other law students. I walked into the bathroom and tried to puke but failed. I looked in the mirror and realized that I am trashed as a mofo. Obviously I should urinate.
The urinal in this horrid bathroom was like something out of a bad movie. Rather than a few separate urinals, this particular bathroom had ONE HUGE PISSER. It looked like a trough that pigs feed out of, as its dirty aluminum coil snaked around the walls of the bathroom like a centipede.
DOWNY stepped up to the plate and unzipped. I did my deal, trying to prevent the big, scary bikers from looking at my male private part. When I finished I began to zip my pants and realized in horror that the zipper was stuck.
This took me back a few years- while in high school, DOWNY’s zipper became stuck so he pulled on it as hard as he could and almost cut his male private part off by getting it caught. In college I took the course on how to operate pants and was confident that I could do it- under normal circumstances. Add 14 shots and a few beers and the task was much more daunting. Soon the terrible image filled my drunken consciousness- if I zipped too hard I would become a biological woman, minus the unmentionables.
Thinking logically, I realized that my only hope was to tuck my male private part into my pants and cover it up with my shirt. Ya know, winging it- I could get back to the bar and if I sat the right way nobody would even notice.
Well, as I started to walk out of the bathroom and back to the bar I saw some girl looking at my crotch. Then I saw another one. Then I saw some guy nudge his friend and they both looked at my crotch.
IT HAD HAPPENED! I WAS WALKING AROUND IN PUBLIC WITH MY male private part HANGING OUT!
I reached down to cover myself and realized that the situation was much graver than I originally anticipated. DOWNY Junior was not even close to being covered up and was basically just swinging back and forth, enjoying the atmosphere of the bar. Had I not looked down quickly my male private part probably would have started ordering its own drinks.
Soon I felt a pair of strong hands grab my arm. “You need to get out of here right now,” growled the bouncer. DOWNY replied, “Ok just let me go get my wallet over there,” I said while pointing to nowhere in particular. My wallet was in my pants but I didn’t want to leave the bar so I had to improvise. “No, you need to go NOW!” DOWNY was pushed rudely out of the bar.
I collected my thoughts quickly and started up the sidewalk, in the general direction of my condo. Of course, my male private part was still swinging in the breeze. It wasn’t until I heard some girl say “that dude’s cock is hanging out!” that I remembered. This occurred after I had walked a block away from the bar.
I quickly tried the zipper again and it worked. Thank god.
I then caught a cab and got a lift back to my place. The whole time I was just thinking about how lucky I was that my male private part didn’t get cut off in the zipper. I also thought about how sweet it was that I hit on a bunch of Asian girls at the bar. I think walking around with my male private part hanging out actually helped me on this one. Besides, Asian girls love DOWNY anyway- his last girlfriend was Korean. DOWNY f-ing rules.