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Author Topic: 1st Draft what do u think?  (Read 4704 times)

dancer3

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1st Draft what do u think?
« on: September 16, 2004, 04:18:07 PM »
Ok, this is a really really rough draft.  I am thinking about using this is an opener.  What do u think?


The audience is silent as the slides begin.  Images of lynchings cover the walls.  Suddenly, the music starts. As Mahilia Jackson sings Onward Christian Solider, a dancer wearing a white robe marches onto the stage carrying a bible.  I could sense the uneasiness in the theater.  People were upset and horrified that this type of work would be allowed in the show. I among them wondered how this piece ever made it to the stage.  It seem to go on for an hour, but after twelve minutes of brutal images, bloody hands, and the destruction of a bible it was over. 

nathanielmark

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2004, 04:20:39 PM »
eh...

The ZAPINATOR

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2004, 04:25:27 PM »
Well, if nothing else, it'll grab some attention...

ZAP

dancer3

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2004, 04:27:06 PM »
true, and that was the pupose.  i guess if i would have posted the entire PS you would understand and it might make more sense.

6079

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2004, 04:38:44 PM »
Wow... I don't know what to say.

dancer3

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2004, 04:44:35 PM »
LOL...

is it that bad?

i mean its all true.  i have the video tape and articles to support every word.

more importantly, would you want to read more to see what the heck i'm talking about?
 

6079

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2004, 04:58:39 PM »
Oddly enough yes I would want to read more, but with great trepidation.

dancer3

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2004, 05:09:35 PM »
see...

if you continue to read it would all click and you would say kick ass statement dude your in.

cali444

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2004, 05:23:18 PM »
At the very least, make it so it's all in the same tense.  Can you explain the rest of the PS, and tell us what makes it so "kick ass"?  I don't get it.

r_poster

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2004, 05:25:44 PM »
I would add proper punctuation before submitting it for content evaluation.  Then, I would try to put things in the same tense.  (Also, it may be a typo, but it's Mahalia Jackson.)