Law School Discussion

1st Draft what do u think?

dancer3

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2004, 03:26:35 PM »
thanks, i noticed how it wasn't in the same tense as i was writing it.  my first drafts are usually like that because its all about getting the idea down.  but thanks, ur sugesstion has been noted ;D

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2004, 03:57:44 PM »
yes, definitely make sure you write in the same tense.

superiorlobe

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2004, 05:01:59 PM »
I don't like it.  You need to get to the punch line quicker.  Obviously this is about freedom of speech of church state issues.  Just say that.  We don't need you to slowly describe the mist wafting in the air.  If I'm wondering whether to admit you to my law school and I start reading that I might think you really want to be a poet, not a lawyer.

dancer3

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2004, 05:08:35 PM »
sweet...thanks

should have posted this earlier...


the first paragraph refers to a dance I created and everything written actaully happened..  It was pulled from the program becasue people felt uncomfortable by the subject matter.  so i had to deal with the whole censorship thing.  spent a lot of time trying to get it back into the show and because of that i feel the piece wasn't as great as it could have been.

that leads into artists trying to balance creating works while ensureing the can be seen, heard, or read.  it then all leads to advocates on behalf of artists and how i would make a great one with a law degree.

all this is still up in the air until i get feedback from some friends.

and before i hear any crap about being a dancer, i majored in poli sci and minored in dance.  danced with a company and got a grad degree in pulic administartion.  so the myth about dancers being dumb is wrong.

r_poster

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2004, 05:16:25 PM »
There is a myth about dancers being dumb?  I have never heard this...I will let my dancer friends know...

dancer3

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2004, 05:20:04 PM »
yeah, or maybe its just around here.

apparently we suck at math b/c we can only count to 8.

superiorlobe

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2004, 05:31:31 PM »
The fact that you into dance makes me think that you probably don't have the instincts for law.  Lawyers are brutal killers.  You will get eaten alive, chewed up, and spit out on to the dance floor in what will look to the rest of us like a very beautiful formation.

r_poster

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #17 on: September 16, 2004, 05:52:19 PM »
Superiorlobe, shut up.

swifty

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Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2004, 01:47:34 AM »
I didn't like it at all until you put it in perspective.  I think that is a great topic, very unique, and something even I would like to read the ending too.  However, I fear you will get far too creative than you have to, e.g., your rough draft opening should be cut to at least 2 sentences, possibbly 1.  It's too narrative and descriptive and wastes valuable space for what you really want to say.  Your audience is not people who want to buy your book.  I would use some of that descriptive ability you have to spice it up, but don't over do it, make sure you get your point across and it flows smoothly, each sentence transitioning to the next as if there is no real need for punctation.  If you don't understand that last line, then ignore it.  Wait, what I meant is that the adcomm wil be looking for punctation errors (maybe) but if it flows well, you can almost bet that the reader doesn't pay attention to punctuation.  Think about this when you read, anything.

dancer3

Re: 1st Draft what do u think?
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2004, 07:34:38 AM »
thanks....great suggestions.

and thanks to everybody else too.