Law School Discussion

diversity statement opener

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #20 on: September 15, 2004, 10:31:05 AM »
so it is perfectly fine to leave the first sentence how it is now? 

Yes, it is perfectly fine.

dta

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #21 on: September 15, 2004, 11:21:42 AM »
Get rid of passive voice in the 1st sentence.

ok, what the hell is passive voice?  i keep hearing this and have no idea what it is.

Don't know the technical English definition, but it's basically when you describe an action in a removed or passive way, rather than a direct and active way. For example, the first sentence should be the following instead:

Phrases such as “the war against terrorism,” “the axis of evil,” and “you’re either with us or against us” ARE commonplace in the media of the post September 11th United States of America. 

Notice use of "ARE" instead of "HAVE BECOME". This is better because you are directly and actively talking about the action rather than referring to it indirectly and passively through the use of "have become".

"Have become" is the past perfect tense of the word "become."  It is in the active voice, not the passive.  If he says "are," it doesn't mean that those phrases weren't commonplace pre-9/11, whereas "have become" means exactly that.

If you don't know what the passive voice is, don't explain it to someone else.  kgd explained it correctly.

kgd was the one who originally charged the sentence as being written in the passive voice. Thus, your comment of "don't explain it to someone else" should be directed toward him as well. His suggestion for correction was the same as mine.

BTW, use of "are now" would preserve the same semantics as "have become".

1. He made the correction; you explained it.  He then explained it and did so correctly.  Your example of the passive voice was not passive at all, whereas he correctly differentiated and properly explained the difference between active and passive.  So how do you figure that your suggestion was the same as his?

2. Yes, "are now" would have the same implication as "have become."  But that wasn't what you said the first time.

KGD said the first sentence was passive:

<KGD-Quote> Get rid of passive voice in the 1st sentence.<KGD-Quote>

The only example I gave of a passive sentence was the first sentence KGD himself was referring to in the passage. Look at my example - it is the first sentence being referred to. So, if you believe the example I gave was not an example of passive voice, then you do not believe the first sentence was in the passive voice, and thus KGD was incorrect in his initial comment about getting rid of the passive voice in the first place.

I just ask that you be consistent in your criticism.

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #22 on: September 15, 2004, 11:27:19 AM »
Sorry, I missed that KGD post at the beginning.  You're right.

Okay, KGD was incorrect in saying that the first sentence was passive.  Which is funny since he then gave a correct explanation of active vs. passive.  His explanation is still correct, but his assessment of the first sentence is not.

The first sentence continues to be perfectly fine.

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #23 on: September 15, 2004, 11:40:34 AM »
yea, i was a bit surprised when he said that it was in passive voice.  my 11th grade english teacher was an absolute passive voice nazi so im usually pretty good about avoiding it.

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #24 on: September 15, 2004, 12:36:25 PM »
Sheesh, I have got to change my avatar.  I am a SHE.

I said that the first sentence is borderline.  It is not actually passive, but it sounds really, really close.  Since our PSs are supposed to show not tell, I personally would come up with an action verb to replace "have become."  I would say, for example:

In the media of the post September 11th United States of America, phrases such as “the war against terrorism,” “the axis of evil,” and “you’re either with us or against us” are commonplace. 

OR

In the media of the post September 11th United States of America, one commonly hears phrases such as “the war against terrorism,” “the axis of evil,” and “you’re either with us or against us.” 

I think that these sentences do imply that the phrases weren't commonplace before 9/11.  Also, by changing it from past perfect to present tense, you also get rid of the shift in tense between the 1st and 2nd sentences.

But that's just me.  I mean, my grammar ain't perfect, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. ;D

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #25 on: September 15, 2004, 12:38:39 PM »
1. Your example of an action verb is "are"?  :)

2. What's the deal with the Holiday Inn Express?

3. Please do change your avatar.  I'm sorry about the gender confusion; I was even on that thread (or read it) where we all learned that you're a she.  My apologies.

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #26 on: September 15, 2004, 12:57:47 PM »
OK, bad example.  I was just trying to come up with a way to get rid of "have become" with everything still making sense.

Have you seen the Holiday Inn Express commercials?  It's always people doing things way beyond their capabilities.  For example, dude walks into mission control and completely saves the NASA flight that's going to pot.  Everyone's celebrating, and someone asks the guy if he's new.  He says, "No, I'm with the tour (points to tour group.)  But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."  In other words, it's my way I saying I generally have no clue, but I'll offer up some BS that sounds intelligent.

OK, it's official....the find KGD a new avatar contest.

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #27 on: September 15, 2004, 01:04:03 PM »

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #28 on: September 15, 2004, 01:11:38 PM »
LOL  :D

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Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #29 on: September 15, 2004, 01:17:31 PM »
Glad you like it.  I think it gets the message across :)