Law School Discussion

diversity statement opener

diversity statement opener
« on: September 15, 2004, 12:16:50 AM »
i just crapped out a first draft, id appreciate any thoughts on it:
     
     

yadda yadda yadda for another few hundred words...

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2004, 12:24:44 AM »
is that I have rare insight into both sides of this argument and a personal understanding of not only the Islam-Judaism conflict, but of all issues surrounding people of different race, culture and religion.


A pretty lofty statement that probably cannot be defended. I doubt you have a personal understanding of all issues surrounding people of different races, cultures, and religion. You should re-word. Sounds like the beginning of a pretty good opening statement. I would re-word the first two sentences as well.

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2004, 12:26:25 AM »
yea i was thinking the "all issues" line was a bit too much, ill change that for sure.

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2004, 12:29:35 AM »
oh btw, i hated dec 99's games too :)

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2004, 12:30:29 AM »
the stupid answering machine game screwed me up...oh well, lets steer this thread back on topic.

TDPookie1

  • *****
  • 7929
  • the sugar cane is back!
    • AOL Instant Messenger - PookieEsq2B
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2004, 12:37:24 AM »
I'm Persian :)

You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition, so it should read "...yet that is the situation in which I find myself."  If you think that sounds awkward, reword it.  But the way I have written it is grammatically correct.

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2004, 01:07:24 AM »
cool, it seems like persian connections are always popping up. my sister just started college a few weeks ago and ended up with a persian roommate. btw, are you also writing a diversity statement?

and thanks for the grammar correction. i changed it for now, but im not sure im in love with the way it sounds so i might end up rewording it.  other than that, does it sound good?

!@#$%

  • ****
  • 1176
    • View Profile
Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2004, 08:59:08 AM »
Get rid of passive voice in the 1st sentence.

nathanielmark

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2004, 09:02:28 AM »
Get rid of passive voice in the 1st sentence.

ok, what the hell is passive voice?  i keep hearing this and have no idea what it is.

dta

Re: diversity statement opener
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2004, 09:12:04 AM »
Get rid of passive voice in the 1st sentence.

ok, what the hell is passive voice?  i keep hearing this and have no idea what it is.

Don't know the technical English definition, but it's basically when you describe an action in a removed or passive way, rather than a direct and active way. For example, the first sentence should be the following instead:

Phrases such as “the war against terrorism,” “the axis of evil,” and “you’re either with us or against us” ARE commonplace in the media of the post September 11th United States of America. 

Notice use of "ARE" instead of "HAVE BECOME". This is better because you are directly and actively talking about the action rather than referring to it indirectly and passively through the use of "have become".