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Author Topic: Any advice how I can rewrite this sentence?  (Read 554 times)

defense

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Any advice how I can rewrite this sentence?
« on: September 06, 2004, 07:05:23 PM »
I am writing my PS about a very close family member who became terminally ill and needed constant care.  Consequently, he spent the last four months of his life in my home while my father and I tended to his every need.  My focus will be how I became a better person because of this experience.  I am trying to briefly state the facts.  The sentence below just does not seem to flow smoothly.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  Thank you very much. 

I begin by saying that "On such date, so and so was diagnosed terminally ill."

"No longer be able to care for himself the first floor of my home was transformed into a hospital wing."

cali444

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Re: Any advice how I can rewrite this sentence?
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2004, 07:14:47 PM »
How about something like this:

"On June 12, Grandpa Joe was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and we were told that he would soon be unable to care for himself.  We converted the first floor of our home to a hospital wing and moved him in."


I am writing my PS about a very close family member who became terminally ill and needed constant care.  Consequently, he spent the last four months of his life in my home while my father and I tended to his every need.  My focus will be how I became a better person because of this experience.  I am trying to briefly state the facts.  The sentence below just does not seem to flow smoothly.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  Thank you very much. 

I begin by saying that "On such date, so and so was diagnosed terminally ill."

"No longer be able to care for himself the first floor of my home was transformed into a hospital wing."