ah, found it. it was called "the terrible persons club" and the comments are funny enough to rerun for posterity. wonder where matthies went, anyway....
Quote from: Matthies on February 24, 2006, 12:53:51 PM
As I always say it’s not a vacation unless a hooker winds up dead.
On the weekends for fun I club baby seals, I bought all the Freon I could get my hands on so I could open them up and burn in hole in the ozone about my house, I told my six year old niece that her mommy and daddy got a divorce because she and her brother are bad, I only buy clothing made by children in the third world, for Halloween I hand out cigarettes, whenever possible I park in the middle of two handicap spots, I am a lifelong member of the NRA, my life long goal is to be a Dictator with a long and impressive list of crimes against humanity, I have every album Alanis Morissette ever made and I registered to vote as a Whig.
Quote from: rev on February 25, 2006, 09:56:36 AM
female private part.
not only do i club baby seals, i club adult seals because they used to be babies. to be on the safe side, i even club the people who come to my door selling easter seals.
i buy children from the third world. i run my air conditioner in the winter with the windows open. i traded my six-year-old niece for a six pack of bud and half a cold pizza. for halloween i give hand grenades with happy faces painted on them. i run over handicapped people in the parking lot, and then i steal their cars. i'm a founder of the national surface-to-air-missile association, and i would rather be a despot or a tyrant than a weenie dictator. i shot down the hindenburg, kidnapped lindburgh's baby, and i have elvis, salmon rushdie, and amelia earheart in my basement, where i force them to listen to dan quayle speeches over and over.
i only listen to music that sounds like fingernails on the blackboard, birds hitting a windshield, or the sound of puking. most of my albums were recorded live in hell.
i club people who vote, just in case they may be baby seals in disguise.
Quote from: Matthies
Once a week I rent an Ice Cream truck and park it in front of an anorexia clinic. I only donate money to churches that assure me every cent will be used to convert, preferably by force, indigenous peoples to Christianity to save them from themselves. I support a mother’s right to work; if she is visibly pregnant or I know she has a child, I tip her an extra $1 after pole or lap dances. I’m not Pro Life or Pro Choice, I’m Pro Death. We have to have a license to drive a car, a license to own a gun, and a license for a pets, thus I believe in license and taxing birth, no license or not enough to pay the tax? Ripe the baby from the mothers arms and put it up on E-baby.com for the highest bidder. I don’t have any kids yet, but if I did I would be sure to shake them a lot as infants, and once they got older tell them “Daddy got a B in contracts because you whine and cry too much”. I believe it’s my right, no my duty, as an American male, at the top of the food chain to eat all of gods little creatures. I hope to have consumed at least one of each animal on the endangered species list, and personally helped add a few more names to it, before I descend to rule the afterworld. I believe the only good forest is one that is clear cut to produce toothpicks, then paved over and developed into condos and big box stores. I support protecting Mother Earth, only because we need it as a base of operations for our interstellar efforts to the strip mine the other planets first. When I see a homeless person walking towards me, I ask THEM for money. I’m going to law school so I can become in-house council for Big Tobacco or an Asbestos Company.
Quote from: rev
my ice cream truck plays 'baby got back' from loudspeakers, has no brakes, and only sells mayonaisse cones and shakes. i steal from collection plates, and support the philosophy of 'kill 'em all and let god sort 'em out.' i insist on pregnant mothers working, and my maternity leave policy is that they can go squat in the parking lot for 15 minutes and then get back to work. i refuse to sell complete babies, i part them out. i told all my children they were cloned from monkeys, hold family scissors relays, and hide easter eggs on the interstate. for holloween i dress them as deer and send them out with uncle d!ck. cheney.
when asked how i like my unicorn, i always say "rare." the underworld rejected my application as overqualified, so i clubbed them like baby seals. i burned down the rainforest, and i wipe my ass with spotted owls. i support putting all the stupid people in a box and shooting them into the sun, but i havent been able to find a big enough box. i pimp homeless people, sending them out to beg for money for me.
i'm only going to law school so i can be a public defender who plea bargains his clients into strange and demeaning community service, like licking the dead bugs from the judge's car. then i film their stories and sell them to spike tv.
Quote from: Matthies
Whenever I’m asked “Do I look fat in this?” I always respond, “Fat no, morbidly obese, yes”. I think E-Baby.com should give industrial buyers a discount on large purchases such as for stem cell harvesting or to be used as drug mules. I support adopting children from foreign countries, not just because they are ripped from their birth parents, culture, society and it encourages the wholesale production of kids for profit, but also because many of them are missing limbs or have some other defect that amounts to a good tax write off for the American family buying them.
We should build a ditch between the US and Mexico and fill it will oil and landmines, then send the Michigan National Guard in to annex Canada. Why pay those over inflated illegal alien prices for menial jobs when we can just make the Canadians our feudal servants. Plus they have a lot of seals up there to just itching to be clubbed, along with whales and polar bears who’s parts are about the only thing we could still export IN to China. Everyone should be forced to smoke, and wear only natural fur clothing from birth.
My solution to homelessness, prostitution and the national debt are on in the same. Pay Per View hooker and bum fights to the death over a crack rock, complete with tridents and flails as weapons. I would shut down all public health to those without insurance, and just rename the morgue “County Hospital”.
I have my own line of vegetarian foods, secretly made with dog/cat sausage instead of soy. We don’t need to recycle, bury hazardous waste or eat up more valuable land for trash dumps that could instead be Wal-Mart’s, that what the ocean and moon are for.
Quote from: rev
what a piker.
1. the people who ask me if they look fat are kidnapped and sold to candle companies, where they are rendered down for their lard.
2. i adopt healthy children, cripple them myself, take the tax credits and then return them as "damaged in shipment."
3. we should annex both canada and mexico, making the populations swap countries just for laughs.
4. we should export crematory ashes to china, telling them that it's powdered rhinocerous horn, or bull penis, or whatever they think will make their d!cks harder. the last thing we need is them producing more chinese. the world's resources belong to us, dammit.
5. we should also export the homeless to china. raffle off the prostitutes to women-poor countries like tibet.
6. people who live in cold northern climates should be forced to wear live chihuahuas as clothing.
7. i would require that only people who 'thought it might be fun to be a doctor for a few days' were eligible to work in public health. they would have full operating theater rights.
8. my vegetarian food-line is called 'soylent green'
9. as far as hazardous waste goes, see #4 above.