What’s up fuckers,
Every now and then I hear some dipshit say something that really grates on my nerves. I’m not talking about insults or anything. I mean typical, daily annoyances that make DOWNY want to climb a clock tower with a high-caliber rifle. These are a few of my least favorite phrases:
1. “This is just a courtesy call.”
We’ve all heard this one before. You’re right in the middle of dinner or you’re having sex or you’re in mid-inhale of the greatest weed you’ve ever tasted and some pig fucker calls you to sell you something. Now, I admit, the national Do Not Call List has helped this problem, but every now and then some dumbass calls anyway. It goes something like this:
Dumbass telemarketer: “Is Mr. Doo-aney there?” (grossly mispronouncing my name and struggling to read simple syllables).
DOWNY: “No, my Doo-aney is not here. In fact I don’t think he even exists. You’re speaking to Mr. DOWNY.”
Dumbass telemarketer: “Oh, well hello! How are you today?”
Dumbass telemarketer: “That’s great! This is just a courtesy call from your local mortgage company. Would you be interested in selling your hom-“
DOWNY: “Go @#!* yourself.” *click*
Listen, it is not a goddamned “courteous call” in the slightest. It is a decidedly discourteous interruption of whatever it is I was doing. As it turns out, I had just finished toking Mr. Bongo and was in the middle of watching The Family Guy. AND YOU f-ing RUINED IT YOU STUPID female dog! God I hate these people.
The next time one calls I am asking for the address of his or her company. Then I am driving over there, walking in and taking a dump on the reception desk. In all probability they will look at me in shock and call the cops. Nothing will happen though, because I’ll politely inform them that this is merely a “courtesy dump.”
Better yet, I will find out where the dumbass live and bust in on them when they’re eating dinner. A courtesy dump will follow, right on the middle of the table. This is only fair given the amount of times they have courteously interrupted my dinner. Or, even better, I could just walk in on them having sex and take a courteous dump on top of their heads.
2. “I’ll be right with you.”
This is loosely translated into, “I don’t give a flying @#!* about your needs, and I am a lazy female dog. Hold for 10 minutes while I play Solitaire.”
Often, this phrase is followed by a symphony of bad music punctuated by statements such as “All of our representatives are currently masturbating. Please continue to hold until one of them cums.”
I hate this *&^% like you would not believe. If you’re going to put me on hold, fine. But don’t tell me you’ll be right with me because you never are. Instead, just be honest and say “We don’t give a @#!* about you, DOWNY. Wait around for 20 minutes while we gossip about intra-office sexual affairs.”
Also get rid of the music. I hate that *&^%. I called the cable company last week and the music was interrupted more than six times by some dipshit telling me that all the representatives were still unavailable. I don’t need to hear this numerous times. It is rather easy to discern that they are unavailable by virtue of the fact that I am still ON f-ing HOLD!
The “I’ll be right with you” jazz is also a favorite of the Secretary of State’s office. Here, the phrase should be interpreted to mean, “I know you only need to renew your license, but why don’t you take a number behind these other fifty people, most of whom will take at least five times as long as you.”
@#!* you, Secretary of State. See if I stop driving when you revoke my license.
3. “Would you like to sign up for an (insert store name) card? It’s free and easy!”
No, it’s not free and easy. I’ve had a long day and all I want to do is buy this twelve-pack and go home. Why do I need a new credit card to do that? Because I’ll “save 15 percent on my first purchase?” 15 percent of 10 bucks isn’t much of an incentive, is it feminine hygiene product bag? My goal whenever I go into a store is to get whatever I need and leave as soon as possible. I don’t want a credit card to some bad store that I only stopped at because I took the wrong exit on the freeway.
Plus, everyone else in the line is in a hurry too. Do they really want DOWNY to back everything up so he can fill out a card and become a Premium Preferred Dipshit? I doubt it. DOWNY cares so much about other people and would never want to inconvenience them in this way.
It’s not free either, female dog. These “special deals” always try to sell you things or change you fees for no reason. And don’t forget that your mailbox will be overflowing with junkmail you don’t want or need. And god help you if you were stupid enough to give them your email address. Remember, “special deals” are only for “special people.” By “special” I mean retarded.
The next time some dumbshit cashier asks me to sign up for some membership, I’m going to ask them to sign up for my special card. After singing up on The DOWNY Favorite Dumbass List, they will be bombarded with special offers in the mail. I’ll send them inspirational and helpful things such as these:
“Have a bad job? Work at the grocery store? Want a better life for yourself and your family?……..Well go @#!* yourself because it’s never going to happen! HAHA female dog!”
Not to mention sending them huge, color ads that say things like:
“Thanks for contacting us regarding your tiny penis and erectile dysfunction! We’ve sent you this helpful guide AS PER YOUR REQUEST.”
“Thanks for getting in touch with us about your vaginal problems! Thanks for telling us that you’re a worthless, self-serving whore who got knocked up by the delivery boy! Enclosed please find a free tube of VagiClear, as PER YOUR REQUEST.”
Obviously, the intent of these ads will be to inform everyone who sees them that the person on the list has penis or vagina problems. Postal workers will have great laughs, husbands will find out about their whoring wives and children will be able to ask their parents stimulating questions such as, “Daddy, what is herpes and how did you get it?”