Short ass PS - any input?

[!@#$%]

I think it's decent - just explain who "she" is.  Just out of curiosity, what is the prompt to which you are writing this piece?  Doesn't Yale have multiple essay requirements?  I think could be very persuasive if it's combined with other essays that tell more about who you are and where you've come from.  Good luck!

[mkagan]

thanks for the input...prompt is to write a 250 word essay on a topic of your choice...not multiple essay requirements, just this essay and the opportunity to include a personal statement you wrote for another school...

I think it's decent - just explain who "she" is.  Just out of curiosity, what is the prompt to which you are writing this piece?  Doesn't Yale have multiple essay requirements?  I think could be very persuasive if it's combined with other essays that tell more about who you are and where you've come from.  Good luck!

[robbief]

I think I disagree with everyone who has spoken thus far.  I thought it was great.  I secretly hoped "love" wouldn't be the theme, but it was and, surprisingly, it was good.  It short and direct, and left me with chills at the end.  It doesn't give away all the answers, there's a crux, the opporutunity to overread, underread...all the elements of good writing.  One thing: take away the "I was scared."  We don't need it.  You show us that you were.  I also like how you start right in the middle of it all.  Watch you tense switches in places.

Who says you have to answer in a boring way with big words?  Why use big words when small words do the trick and apply to a wider audience.  This piece moves. 

[robbief]

DO NOT SAY WHO "HER" IS.  That's the strongest aspect of this.

[glascow1]

from a creative writing standpoint it is good - from a law school application standpoint  - try to make it relevant - talk about more about how you handled that in other aspects of your life that would make it so much stronger - but in general - hoepfulyy this is your 2nd optional essay and not your main LS essay.

[dsong02]

i thought this thread was about taking short pisses.

[mkagan]

thanks a lot for your input...i took out the i was scared, you are correct with that...question - i wanted to leave it ambiguous as to who it is, but per advice from others i put something about how we are no longer just best friends (which we were prior to dating)...is this too much info, or is it ok?

DO NOT SAY WHO "HER" IS.  That's the strongest aspect of this.

[robbief]

I'm in no position to say what adcoms will like or not.  I can only speak for myself ... I don't really care if this was a girlfriend, a wife or some relationship that you created in your mind during late nights.  As a reader, who this girl is/was/will be doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is your perception of her and what she has taught you.  I think you do a good job of conveying honest feelings.  Does it matter if she was a friend, but now you're dating?  I don't think so.  If anything, that will adjust the focus from what you have learned to why you have learned it (bc you grew close to her).  As a reader, I want want to know what the author has to say.  No one's going to be judging you on the context of the story.  This shows that you can write, that you're human and from some sort of experience, you've learned.  Details don't matter.  Even if you aren't dating her, the way that you portray yourself and your emotions during that exact moment is all that matters ... to me.

[londongirl]

I disagree! I think it's going to be great but I definitely think we should know who 'she' is. The statement can be seen as pretentious because we're not told (the repetition of 'she' seems too deliberate and literary) - which is so far from the intention and the moving story itself.
I was left feeling confused and unsatisfied when i finished reading this and had to reread. We shouldn't assume adcoms will do that.
I'm not being harsh on purpose, mkagan knows this, I hope, just being honest.

[robbief]

londongirl, do you want to know who she is just to satisfy your curiousity or do you actually think it adds to anything that he's saying?  he's had a learning experience...how does that change by knowing who taught it to him?

if i sound mean, im not trying to be either.  im pretty nice, actually.  my tone here is sincere.