Freak is the best, Freak is the best! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!I don't like calling you Freak, I'd rather call you Normal Nice Guy.
Ok, this is just my opinion, but...I think we should find out who 'her' is at the end. It could just be me who isn't sure, so excuse my ignorance if I've missed something. At the moment I'm thinking it's your partner, but that wasn't obvious to me after a first reading. Again, maybe it is just me, but you don't want the adcoms to have to read through twice. I'd change 'you have to be strong' to 'one has to be..'. 'A growth in yourself sounds like a cancer or something (God forbid). I realised I had grown / matured. Link your growth to your experiences with her. It could be unconnected with the experience you've just described. You don't need to waste precious words, just say something like 'supporting her/ worrying about her made me grow in XYZ way. I realised XYZ'. Notice you repeat the word 'gain' in the fourth paragraph. Put yourself in the picture more: 'through my love for her I have matured and become stronger'. I think you can improve the last few sentences to show less consciousness: 'I'd be proud if I could just smile like her'.Much of this is subjective so ignore it if you disagree. The experience sounds incredibly profound and it's inspiring. I do hope it ends positively. I think for the purpose of the statement you can make more of it than you have.You'll get there! Please tell me what you think. And very best wishes for the situation.
If English is your second language, disregard.Total rewrite. Use words with more syllables.You are writing at an 8th grade level.
Make all of the above your first two paragraphs. Inform the audience who "her" or "she" is. Then do the most important part. Add another 600 words relating all that crap to law school. This is a law school application.
Page created in 0.238 seconds with 18 queries.