please rip apart my opening paragraph

[sluan]

Good writing is good writing.. I don't think we should be so concerned about whether it contains too many metaphors, similes, alliterations, analogies, allegories, or even onomatopoeia for a law school personal statement.  If it works, it works.  I don't think the adcomm reader would be tallying the uses of rhetorical and literary devices.  I think what is most important is to convey your character and voice in your writing. 

[swifty]

  I think what is most important is to convey your character and voice in your writing. 

But he did not do that.

[sluan]

I didn't know that was something I actually concluded.

[robbief]

Yes good writing is good writing.  But using funny metaphors that are streched so think they may as well not be there at every opportunity is LAZY writing.  Writing should move.  It should convey something about the writer.  It should take the reader somewhere the reader otherwise wouldn't have gone.  That's good writing.  To me, this opening paragraph doesn't really do any of that.  It tells us that he has overcome adversity, but lends us nothing more than that fact.  And furthermore, it's not a fact.  He shows us in the paragraph that the adversity he overcomes is created only in his mind.  How do we know it was adversity he overcame?  Besides his telling us, where do we SEE it?  It's a cliche to be sure, but "show me, don't tell me."  As a reader, this intricasies (spelling ?)are what interest me, not the context.

[sluan]

Did I conclude that the intro was good writing?

[sluan]

i was only commenting on the criteria used to determine whether his intro is good.  that's all.

[robbief]

Which is fine.  And I'm further elaborating.  We're not disagreeing.

[sluan]

 

[robbief]

I refuse to use those smiley face guys because, well, using them would make me feel insecure about myself.  But I guess if I did, I'd wink back at you.  Right?  Is that the polite thing?  Or do I just say thanks? Or am I not supposed to acknowledge it in the first place? 

[sluan]

We don't want to have you violate your sense of propriety now, do we?  As a reassurance to you, all the Victorian novels I have (that are good writing -- obviously, because I have them!) don't have smiley or expressive faces.  Holy James!  , that would just be too  Philistine!