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Author Topic: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!  (Read 2752 times)

drowles

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Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« on: August 21, 2004, 10:24:19 PM »
Here it is.. Feel free to rip on it..




Blues music has always been an art form that has always fascinated me.  Watching Buddy Guy play the blues on his polk-a-dot Stratocaster as he walks among his audience members (his patent move) is to be alive.  After naming my cat after him (Buddy) and traveling to visit his birthplace (Lettsworth, LA), I finally got the chance to see him play a show.  It was this experience that led to my desire to learn to play a guitar.

Luckily, a good friend of mine, who also happened to be my boss at the Corps of Engineers, was willing to teach me.  Though I was working fifteen to twenty hours a week at the Corps of Engineers, playing soccer for Tulane University, and taking on a full course load in a demanding major, I always seemed to find an hour in each day to practice.  At first, I found the guitar to be extremely difficult.  The tips of my fingers on my right hand were always in pain from slamming down on the steel strings, my left hand didnít feel comfortable with a pick in it, and I had a difficult time maintaining any type of rhythm.  Mark had warned me in the very beginning that starting to learn guitar at my age was uncommon and that it may take time for my fingers to catch up with what my brain wanted them to do, but I could not help being frustrated.

It is with this same frustration that I have contemplated the decision to take the next big step in my life.  I wish I could tell you that Iíd always wanted to be a lawyer and that the decision to apply for law school came easily to me, but this is not the case. 

Since my graduation from Tulane, I have worked as an engineer in the environmental consulting business.  I enjoy solving complex problems, performing calculations, and seeing my designs through to construction.

yada, yada, yada (why I want to be a lawyer.. why I would be a good one.. )... tie back into guitar in closing...
ATTENDING... UGA.. GO DAWGS!!!
Accepted: UGA, GW PT, Tulane
Dinged:GMU PT/FT
Priority Waitlist: Gtown PT
Waitlist: BC, WUSTL, Emory
Applied: GMU PT/FT, GW PT, Gtown PT, Emory, UGA, BC, Tulane, WUSTL

drowles

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2004, 10:26:17 PM »
Only should be one always in the first sentence.. Sorry..
ATTENDING... UGA.. GO DAWGS!!!
Accepted: UGA, GW PT, Tulane
Dinged:GMU PT/FT
Priority Waitlist: Gtown PT
Waitlist: BC, WUSTL, Emory
Applied: GMU PT/FT, GW PT, Gtown PT, Emory, UGA, BC, Tulane, WUSTL

swifty

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2004, 12:45:41 AM »
No comment.
And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply" So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why. He said "You look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do.  So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that. Huh! Me workin' for you!"Sign, sign, everywhere a sign..

foxnewssucks

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2004, 12:48:30 AM »
I do not see the parallel between the guitar and LS, but I guess I would have to read the entire statement?  The first paragraph is not interesting, but I was interested in the second.

!@#$%

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2004, 09:22:44 AM »
FWIW....I'm not sure I entirely get the segue, but if you're going to go with it, I'd cut the first sentence.  You already "show" in the rest of that paragraph, why state explicitly in the first sentence?  I think your first 2 paragraphs waste too much valuable space leading into the crux of your statement - how your work experience has (or hasn't) contributed to your desire to study law.  It's good in that you are able to demonstrate that you had a lot of stuff going on in college, but you should show rather than tell.  You sort of laundry-listed your activities ("working fifteen to twenty hours a week at the Corps of Engineers, playing soccer for Tulane University, and taking on a full course load in a demanding major"), which is the job of your resume, not your PS.

Don't get discouraged, though.  You clearly have enough ideas to form a great PS.

dta

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2004, 05:53:34 PM »
"Blues music has always been an art form that has always fascinated me. "

That is a horrible first sentence. I'll start with the simple - "has always" is used twice. Sounds very repetitious and gives a sense that you can't creatively find a way to vary your words and keep from repeating yourself.

Second, and more importantly, your sentence is false. Blues music has not always been an art form that has fascinated you. Blues music existed before you were even born - it did not fascinate you before you existed. Basically, the structure of this sentence seems to imply that blues music revolves around your fascination of it rather than the other way around. Here is a more accurate, and more readable, way to start off:

"I have always been fascinated by the art form of Blues music."

londongirl

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2004, 07:08:48 PM »
To be honest, I really don't like the sentence about naming your cat etc. I'd cut that, definitely.
I reckon with the great info here you can do better than this. The link isn't clear and the argument not compelling. Why is your contemplation about law frustrating? And do you want your first mention of law here to evoke frustration? I think it sends off the wrong vibe at the uotset. Why not compare your love of blues to law in the beginning? Or at least mention law before you do.
Don't be disheartened by all of us, everyone gets a ton of comments like this at least until the 15th draft! And at the end of the day you must send what you want to. So take our comments with a  pinch of salt if you disagree.

drowles

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2004, 11:07:41 AM »
Thanks guys.. All very informative.. I agree that the beginning needs to be shorter.. I also agree that the link is not clear.. I am trying to show myself as a well rounded engineer.. not the stereotypical, uncreative, calculator loving biatchhhhes I work with.. The frustration with guitar link is going to lead to how I have worked for two years, contemplated going back to school for a phd in engineering, getting my mba, or attending law school and how it has been frustrating for me to mull over all my choices.. and how, ultimately, law was the area I felt would benefit my career growth goals.. and *&^%.. but.. it is very weak.. Really just wanted to see if the Blues music stuff INTERESTED people.. The link.. I dont think.. is all that important once I get the readers attention.. Thanks for the criticism.. keep it coming!!
ATTENDING... UGA.. GO DAWGS!!!
Accepted: UGA, GW PT, Tulane
Dinged:GMU PT/FT
Priority Waitlist: Gtown PT
Waitlist: BC, WUSTL, Emory
Applied: GMU PT/FT, GW PT, Gtown PT, Emory, UGA, BC, Tulane, WUSTL

SNUGGLE

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #8 on: August 23, 2004, 02:18:57 PM »

Blues music has always been an art form that has always fascinated me. 


Well, besides the obvious double always and extraneous pet mention, I think you need a better link between guitar or blues music and law school.  Is there some skill besides learning something new that guitat playing and law school share.  I dunno.  Maybe something about making music and briefing cases.  Beats me.
You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

londongirl

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Re: Does the beginning of my PS interest anyone?!?!
« Reply #9 on: August 23, 2004, 02:35:34 PM »
Perhaps the resilience and desire it takes to take up something new, something that is a shift from your former occupation. Picking up guitar at a late age requires dedication etc, dedication you will bring to changing from science to law.
Hmmm. I still think it's a weak link. soz.