Law School Discussion

do i have to tell my parents?

thechoson

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #20 on: August 17, 2004, 08:43:01 AM »
you know, actually... it just came to mind that you may stand to benefit by including them in your life again... you don't want to get written out of their will, do you?

personally, i dont wanna be included in the will.  id rather let my sister have everything.  ive made a decent life for myself and dont want to take anything from them any more.  even if they give back 100x what they took from me, it wont take away the pain and humiliation my wife and her family felt before and during the wedding.  

as far as im concerned, i couldnt care whether i come in contact with them later or not.  i feel for my child who will only know one set of grandparents, while his/her friends will have two.  

goddamn...how the @#!* did i ever get so screwed up?  



Don't worry Dsong, I'll be your daddy

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2004, 09:29:07 AM »
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GentleTim

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2004, 09:35:32 AM »
I'd tell them and make it absolutely clear to them that this is their only chance for redemption, if they want to be a part of your life again at all.  And if they ever get close to the line, tell them they're getting close, and that if they cross it, that you won't consider them to be part of your family any more.

And if they cross the line, follow through.

egfmba

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #23 on: August 17, 2004, 09:44:48 AM »
I think your gut instinct is always going to be the right one.  If you have that sinking feeling, it's likely your parents are going to disappoint you.  Not because you expected it, though.  You expected it because they're acting true to form.  

OTOH, if you feel there's the possibility that they'll use this blessing as an opportunity to strengthen family bonds, then you'll probably be right.  You know your family well enough by now to be able to accurately predict their reaction.

My advice is simple:  don't ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach.  It may be the only thing telling you the truth.

That said, I do share in your 'will my kid miss a lot if they don't know extended family?' worries.  My resolution:  I'm staying away from as much "family" (read: relatives) as possible until the kids are old enough to ask after them.  That way, we all get a chance to change, forget, forgive and move on before I have to expose my kids to what I had to deal with growing up - which wasn't pretty by any means.  My POV is that maybe time and distance will give everyone a new perspective.

I do agree, though, that your initial actions were right on.  If your family mistreats your spouse, you're the only one who can stop it and you did the right thing by drawing a line.  The next step is up to them; they have to abide by the parameters you set to enjoy a relationship with you and your lovely wife.

You may consider putting the news in a note and mailing it snail mail.  I suppose if it were me, I wouldn't contribute to the mess by witholding the info; I'd just tell them in as slow and impersonal a way as possible.

Hopefully your parents will have taken this past year to consider what you mean to them and not take you for granted in the future.  Good luck; family issues suck!

jacy85

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #24 on: August 17, 2004, 09:48:06 AM »
It almost sounds like dsong's parents won't listen to "drawing the line."

I think I would perhaps tell them, but don't see them or let them see the baby.  They were horrible to your wife and her family, which was not only hard for them, but was completely disrespectful of you.  The baby won't be without grandparents, as you've mentioned in another post that your wife's parents will dote on the child.

When the kid's older, and able to decide for him/herself, they can make the choice to seek out a relationship with your parents.  My stepmom did this with her daughter.  My stepmom's father ran out on the family, and eventually remarried.  She's tried to restart her relationship with him, but he's still an ass and it hasn't work.  But she's letting my stepsister go out to CO to visit him for a few weeks, so she can make up her own mind about her grandfather.

That way, it's less likely your child can be "turned against" your wife, and you're parents, shamed in front of the rest of the family, may someday realized that how they treated you and your family was wrong.

Just my .02...

inthesun

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2004, 09:54:09 AM »
Dsong,

This exact thing happened with my parents, and my Dad's parents.  There was pretty much an all out war between my Mom and her in-laws, and my Dad wisely took my Mom's side.  Being the grandchild in this scenario, I will tell you that the best thing that both sides did was this:

Once every week or so, my Nana would come over and pick up us grandkids and take us over to her house to spend time with her and my Tata.  My Mom only allowed this because both sides agreed not to bad mouth the other.  If this did happen, visiting priveleges would be taken away.  As I got older, I finally realized what had happened.  To this day, I appreciate what the two sides did.  I cherish the memories I have of spending time with my grandparents.  I also realize how much they all loved me and my siblings to put their differences aside to allow us to have a meaningful relationship with our grandparents. 

I know how you must feel about your parents.  I agree that they are wrong in the way they treated you and your wife.  You don't have to make up with them, in fact, you should't, because you are not at fault.  But I think you owe it to your child to give them grandparents. 

jgruber

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2004, 10:49:22 AM »
Remember, it's not about you anymore; it's about your children.

Welcome to parenthood.

dsong02

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #27 on: August 17, 2004, 10:57:55 AM »
Remember, it's not about you anymore; it's about your children.

Welcome to parenthood.

this is the realization that came to me when we first got pregnant.  if i didnt have a child, i would have been fine not talking to my parents for the remainder of my life.  i would have moved away to never see them again. 

jj, youre completely right that its about the children now. 

but, what if you think the best interests of the children are to keep them away?  to not expose that to them?  i want my children to make their own choices, but until they are capable of understanding them, isnt it our job to make those choices for them?  im afraid of what my parents will do to my children, or say to them...maybe even teach them things that we dont want them to learn.

jgruber

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #28 on: August 17, 2004, 11:03:36 AM »
Valid point.  It would be irresponsible of you to expose your children to harmful grandparents.

In my 20s and 30s, I was content to keep away from my parents and keep the kids away. My parents didn't seem to have a problem with it either, because they did not try to come see the kids.  We saw each other about once a year.

I feel my children were cheated, and I blame myself and my parents for that.

Where I screwed up was with my wife's family.  They are Italian and into family with a passion, but in the effort to keep my kids away from my cold, dry German family, I cheated them out of a warm, loving Italian family.

Define your extended family in the way that is best for your children and to some extent for yourself.  They might be your family, your wife's, and it might even be your friends.   

Just one word of caution.  Don't let your baggage keep you from seeing your parents for what they really are.  I let my feelings about my parents cloud my perception of them.  That doesn't mean you're wrong.  I wasn't, but make sure you are seeing things clearly.  Your wife might be the best person to help you in that area.

 
Remember, it's not about you anymore; it's about your children.

Welcome to parenthood.

this is the realization that came to me when we first got pregnant.  if i didnt have a child, i would have been fine not talking to my parents for the remainder of my life.  i would have moved away to never see them again. 

jj, youre completely right that its about the children now. 

but, what if you think the best interests of the children are to keep them away?  to not expose that to them?  i want my children to make their own choices, but until they are capable of understanding them, isnt it our job to make those choices for them?  im afraid of what my parents will do to my children, or say to them...maybe even teach them things that we dont want them to learn.

robbief

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #29 on: August 17, 2004, 11:12:43 AM »
I see it like this.  You have a new kid on the way, the biggest challenge of your life.  It's a whole new world for you now, life's not just about you.  Now starts part 2 of life.  Do you really want to start it on a bad foot?  Why START with challenges already there.  I'm sure there will be enough challenges raising a child, but do you want have the normal challenges as well as the guilt of wondering whether or not your parents should know?  STart this kid's life with everything on the table...nothing to hide.  Mom, Dad I have a kid ... That doesn't mean you can't tell them to @#!* off if they want to part of his/her life.  If you are considering not telling them at all, surely telling them to @#!* off when they want to be part of his/her life is easy. 

Just my take.