Law School Discussion

do i have to tell my parents?

Ginatio

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2004, 08:24:29 AM »
its so sad...how some parents are so incredibly generous to their children (my wife's parents are awesome), while others are just completely selfish and self-serving.  

i dont want my child to be a status symbol for them...

am i a bad son for wishing them to hurry up and die?  or am i justified in thinking that way?

THAT is rather extreme. I don't wish death upon most people I hate

a tortured existence is a much better thing to wish upon them than death

Dewitt

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2004, 08:25:07 AM »
dsong, since you are an adult and most likely a stronger person than your parents at their old age, you don't have to worry about them trying to call the shots and trying to controll your kid's life. if they call you constantly, don't pick up. if you pick up by mistake, tell them "i gotta go love you bye" and hang up. if they say they want to come over to visit the baby, tell them "no we're busy this week, bye."

i would be firm with them. a lot of asian parents are unreasonable parents and they gotta be dealt in a harsher manner.

tell the parents. but after that, continue to ignore them. at least they'll know about the kid...

cho, yeah... my ex gf's parents looked down on blacks and hmongs (no joking here). so she dated a half black/half white and a half hmong/half cleaner chinese just to spite them. the parents were cool with me though...

Minc

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2004, 08:26:00 AM »
That's a tough situation. Most of the posts so far seem to say "to hell with them." I think that it would be understandable if you did not tell your family about your child, given that they responded to you, your wife, and her family as they did. However, even though they have done something like that, from your post it seems like you still care about them. You would be justified in not telling them, but would you feel good about your decision later? I imagine it might not sit very well with you and you will have to go about your daily life worrying about this for awhile. Additionally, you will probably be wondering when they will eventually find out through some other means and anticipating the consequences of that.

It might be easier on you and your conscience to simply tell them. If they express interest in being a part of your child's life and you don't want that, you don't have to allow it. They may be upset, but at least they will know they have a grandchild. Imagine how you would feel if some years down the road, you and your own son had a falling out and you found out about the existence of your own grandchild through some means other than your son.

Of course, the decision's pretty personal so there may be more that I am not considering.

dsong02

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2004, 08:26:33 AM »
its so sad...how some parents are so incredibly generous to their children (my wife's parents are awesome), while others are just completely selfish and self-serving.  

i dont want my child to be a status symbol for them...

am i a bad son for wishing them to hurry up and die?  or am i justified in thinking that way?

THAT is rather extreme. I don't wish death upon most people I hate

a tortured existence is a much better thing to wish upon them than death

my parents will never have a tortured existence.  their 'paal-ja' is really good all the time (luck, in korean).  if they live, they will torment me.  im looking at their death as the best option for me and my family.  


Ginatio

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2004, 08:28:12 AM »
its so sad...how some parents are so incredibly generous to their children (my wife's parents are awesome), while others are just completely selfish and self-serving.  

i dont want my child to be a status symbol for them...

am i a bad son for wishing them to hurry up and die?  or am i justified in thinking that way?

THAT is rather extreme. I don't wish death upon most people I hate

a tortured existence is a much better thing to wish upon them than death

my parents will never have a tortured existence.  their 'paal-ja' is really good all the time (luck, in korean).  if they live, they will torment me.  im looking at their death as the best option for me and my family.  



well in that case, I know a guy who knows a guy that could help you out...   :-X

Ginatio

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2004, 08:33:26 AM »
you know, actually... it just came to mind that you may stand to benefit by including them in your life again... you don't want to get written out of their will, do you?

dsong02

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #16 on: August 17, 2004, 08:33:42 AM »
i could go on living without ever knowing how my parents were doing.  there are nights where i sit around and drink wondering if my father's health is okay, or if my mother has been lonely since my father travels a lot.  but then i think of all the injustices that were done against my own family and it overrides all the former.

i cant say that i dont care about them completely.  my sister, for one, will be a victim in all of this.  she is currently dating a chinese boy and my parents arent thrilled about it, but they were willing to accept that.  on the other hand, my parents will NOT accept the fact that he is buddhist.  theyre just like that.  being a baptist pastor, hes gonna be stern on his words and try to convert him.  

there are too many other factors that keep speeding through my mind.  spewing my initial thoughts have helped, and yet, the derisions of my parents and the inanity of this entire situation keep hounding me like a bad migrane.  combine that with a guilty conscience, and you have the perfect concoction for suicide.  

no, im not committing suicide.  just a figure of speech...


jgruber

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #17 on: August 17, 2004, 08:38:59 AM »
I'm not Korean, but I've been down this path.

My extended family is shattered.  I have two sons I haven't talked to in four years.
My father and I talked about once a year before he died.

I just visited my mother and grandmother and we did not connect at all.

Don't do this to you children.  They need to be part of a wider family structure.  I wasn't and my kids weren't and it has harmed us greatly.

You have differences with your parents.  Deal with them; don't hide from them.  I know it's not an easy thing to do, but your children deserve the best and you owe it to them to try.

dsong02

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Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2004, 08:40:40 AM »
you know, actually... it just came to mind that you may stand to benefit by including them in your life again... you don't want to get written out of their will, do you?

personally, i dont wanna be included in the will.  id rather let my sister have everything.  ive made a decent life for myself and dont want to take anything from them any more.  even if they give back 100x what they took from me, it wont take away the pain and humiliation my wife and her family felt before and during the wedding.  

as far as im concerned, i couldnt care whether i come in contact with them later or not.  i feel for my child who will only know one set of grandparents, while his/her friends will have two.  

goddamn...how the @#!* did i ever get so screwed up?  


mukhia

Re: do i have to tell my parents?
« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2004, 08:41:32 AM »
If I were you, I would let my parents know that a grandchild is on the way.  They now have the option of playing a positive role in your child's life and your child will have the opportunity to know his/her family.  Besides, as the father, you always have the right to decide along the way whether the grandparents are beneficial or detrimental to your offspring's life.  If it is the latter, you simply remove all ties.  

My paternal grandparents never approved of my mother and were horrible to her.  When we were younger, my father tried to incorporate them into our lives, but they never ceased being rude or uncivil toward her and even tried to turn us against her (apparently - have no recollection though).  Not surprisingly, he severed contact with them once more.  Thus, I am grandparentless (my maternal GM passed before I was born and my GP is a nomad) - sometimes I feel I missed out, but when I think about how they abused my mother, I'd rather them not be a part of my life.

Just give them this one chance to show that they can be decent folk - for your child's sake - then no one can accuse you of making no attempts at ameliorating your relationship.