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I think it's time to talk about love

aerynn

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #30 on: April 28, 2006, 10:23:49 PM »

Whenever you find yourself saying "I have earned the right to" and the sentence ends with something your S.O. finds unpleasant or disagrees with or that you are demanding, there are big warning bells.  Think about what the other person has "earned a right to."  Maybe she has a right to ask, but he has a right to not answer or to genuinely be uncertain if love means a life time commitment.

It isn't common sense.  It is hard-won relationship economics.

She can ask.  But she had better make it okay for him to say that he doesn't love her, or isn't sure, or she is just asking to be lied to and she could ruin something that had the chance to become something great if she gave it room to breathe and grow.  Open a dialog about where the relationship is going, what it means to say "I love you" by all means.  But make it okay for him to tell the truth.

Did I read that right? Relationship economics?

Economics in the sense of give and take, not dollars and cents.

rojo

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #31 on: April 29, 2006, 01:01:40 PM »

Whenever you find yourself saying "I have earned the right to" and the sentence ends with something your S.O. finds unpleasant or disagrees with or that you are demanding, there are big warning bells.  Think about what the other person has "earned a right to."  Maybe she has a right to ask, but he has a right to not answer or to genuinely be uncertain if love means a life time commitment.

It isn't common sense.  It is hard-won relationship economics.

She can ask.  But she had better make it okay for him to say that he doesn't love her, or isn't sure, or she is just asking to be lied to and she could ruin something that had the chance to become something great if she gave it room to breathe and grow.  Open a dialog about where the relationship is going, what it means to say "I love you" by all means.  But make it okay for him to tell the truth.

Did I read that right? Relationship economics?

Economics in the sense of give and take, not dollars and cents.

The point is itís a very analytical approach.  Think more continental.  ;)

redemption

Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #32 on: April 29, 2006, 01:12:51 PM »
rojo - seriously, if and when I have boyfriend problems, I'm coming to you.

aerynn

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #33 on: April 29, 2006, 03:15:00 PM »
The point is itís a very analytical approach.  Think more continental.  ;)

I am naturally a little dramatic.  Thinking more analytically keeps me from becoming a demanding soap opera of a person.

rojo

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #34 on: April 29, 2006, 05:50:56 PM »
rojo - seriously, if and when I have boyfriend problems, I'm coming to you.

Thanks, that is sweet of you to say.

rojo

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #35 on: April 29, 2006, 05:51:48 PM »
The point is itís a very analytical approach.  Think more continental.  ;)

I am naturally a little dramatic.  Thinking more analytically keeps me from becoming a demanding soap opera of a person.

Um yeah, don't do that either. :)

Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2006, 10:03:46 AM »
I have so appreciated reading all your advice and opinions - thank you.

Here's what happened:

We went to theatre with his parents to celebrate his Dad's birthday and he was being very sweet all evening, and when we got back home and were looking into each others eyes he said 'I adore you so much'. I said 'I'm falling in love with you' and he said 'I am in love with you' and repeated that many times!

I didn't think it would all come out then but the moment was there and I just blurted out what I did, and I'm so glad I did now.

Turns out he was scared if saying it too soon in the relationship because we had (apparently! I don't remember this!) had a conversation really early on in our relationship in which I said how important those word were etc. I'm going away on a project for a month in June and that's when he was planning on saying it.

Ultimately though, to answer the question debated, I think that if you think you have the right to something in a relationship you should ask for it, or in my circumstance ask or say it first. If, Aerynn, the other person doesn't want to say/do it and you think they have  had enough time to, maybe it's time to consider getting out.

I'm not saying the other person has to comply but the other party has the right to ask.

rojo

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2006, 11:03:42 AM »
I have so appreciated reading all your advice and opinions - thank you.

Here's what happened:

We went to theatre with his parents to celebrate his Dad's birthday and he was being very sweet all evening, and when we got back home and were looking into each others eyes he said 'I adore you so much'. I said 'I'm falling in love with you' and he said 'I am in love with you' and repeated that many times!

I didn't think it would all come out then but the moment was there and I just blurted out what I did, and I'm so glad I did now.

Turns out he was scared if saying it too soon in the relationship because we had (apparently! I don't remember this!) had a conversation really early on in our relationship in which I said how important those word were etc. I'm going away on a project for a month in June and that's when he was planning on saying it.

Ultimately though, to answer the question debated, I think that if you think you have the right to something in a relationship you should ask for it, or in my circumstance ask or say it first. If, Aerynn, the other person doesn't want to say/do it and you think they have  had enough time to, maybe it's time to consider getting out.

I'm not saying the other person has to comply but the other party has the right to ask.

Yay!  :)

ivywhore

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Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2006, 11:04:37 AM »
lets talk about sex and me lets talk about you and me lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that can be.

Re: I think it's time to talk about love
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2006, 11:34:28 AM »
thank you!  :)

ps: maybe I did ruin a surprise, you're right, but I couldn't hold it in in the end, and he'll just have to find other ways! He's surprising me with a weekend away (destination=surprise) after my exams.

I feel lucky.