I was listening to Monicaís ďAngel of MineĒ today. And it reminded me of my first love. I have a corny story, that I have to get off my chest. Cause I want to talk about it. I canít talk about this with anyone I know anymore, and all the friends that were with me through all this have now moved on.
Back in 1998, when Monicaís song was getting lots of play, I fell in love with this girl. I keep asking myself why did I love her so? What about her was different than any of the 100 or so crushes Iíve had in my life that went away after a week? To this day, I donít know. I know at first, I didnít feel for her that way. She was always trying to talk to me to break up the doldrums of Geometry class. But I would have none of it, cause if I donít KNOW you, I usually donít try to make small talk.
It all started with a simple phone callÖ I had a friend that I talked to frequently online. Her name was Amanda. I told her about that girl in my Geometry class, who wouldnít shut the @#!* up. She actually turned out to be Amandaís friend. In a way, that girl and I had gotten to be acquaintances, and over the long summer, I said I wouldnít mind talking to her again. So Amanda gave her my number. And she calledÖ and I fell. Something about talking to someone on the phone. You arenít distracted by anything. All you have is their voice, their words, and the raw emotions conveyed over a telephone line. And for some reason, she was different now. She was GOOD. I wanted her.
And so it happened. 1998-1999. The school year from hell. It started innocently enough. I was pulling my usual straight As, actually lifting at the gym, and making some bucks at my job. But I didnít have the girl. Every time Iíd ask her out, sheíd give me the run around without saying no or yes. It made me want her more. I think it quickly became an obsession, but I was 16, young and impetus. I felt I needed nor wanted anything besides this girlís love. But things didnít work out. And then things unraveled. We fell out as friends. I think me wanting her to come around, and her not feeling the same way, it finally strained us. I was ready to kiss it all goodbye. She agreed to go to prom with me, but I said the hell with her if we were just going to go as friends. Iíd rather stay at home. I guess that was her way of slowly trying to warm to me, but I did not want slowly. Prom night went by. Ironically, the Monday following that Prom was quite momentous, and life altering in a way for both of us.
I was driving to my friendís home, which was close by to her house. As I drove, I saw the wreckage of a car along a ditch, with a cop finishing up his accident report. I knew it. I always HAD this FEELING, that she would be in a car accident. I knew it. It was her. I didnít even have to see the car. I knew it. We raced to the hospital. They wouldnít let us in, but at least I knew she wasnít dead or anything. At that moment, I felt helpless. Then, I felt guilty. If I loved her that much, then why wasnít I able to stop this from happening? I felt I should have been able to WILL it from happening, but it did anyways.
I was at the hospital the next day. I really did feel guilty for some reason. I stayed there all day for the next 3 days. I just sat there, talking to her and her mom. I couldnít leave. I didnít eat. Just being with her, making sure she was ok, that was enough for me.
Later, when we started going out, she would tell me this was what finally swayed her to fall for me, that I would care about her enough to be there all day for her.
And yes, we did end up going out. We had some close calls and near misses over the next 5 months. But we ended up dating in December of 1999. I thought it was appropriate. A new millennium, a new beginning for the both of usÖ The winter of 98 had seemed bleak cause of her. The winter of 99 was looking hopeful.
In the end, it didnít work out. I loved, but I lost. But not a day goes by even today, when I donít think of her in some way. A song, a smell, a wordÖ anything will bring back memories of those days.
And every winter that has passed since that winter of 99, I think about her more. And winter is not here yet, but I am sure it will be the same. Sure, some things are better left in the past. She is one of those things. But she will always be there in my thoughts and in my memories, because only there can I bury the bad in the past, and remember the good for what it was, a period of pure bliss in my life.
I donít know why I am bringing this up and sharing it with a bunch of strangers. But I had to get it off my chest.