Inter-Racial Marriages/Relationships, thoughts/opinions/concerns?

[TopGunna]

I have dated a majority of women outside of my race, but I have been in a semi-serious, off-and-on inter-racial relationship for about 3 years now.  She lives on another coast than I, but we visit each other frequently.  And up until a year ago, I did not see anything wrong with it.  Recently though, I have been pretty uneasy about the prospect of getting more serious. If she was my race, I would have probably proposed to her by now, unfortunately here are my issues.  I don't usually share my feelings on  this, but please weigh in if you agree with some, or feel some of these are unfair.

1) I have a very proud family, immediate and extended, and like many African-American families everyone older than 40 grew up in the civil rights era and had to struggle for everything they have.  Both of my parents are black and are doctors.  Both went to UNC (Undergrad), UVA (graduate, you know their reputation on black students) and received their doctorates from reputable schools in Boston.  All along the way they were on the front lines of corporate "hidden" racism, but still overcame all of the odds and are very successful today.

NOW,

my problem is , if I were to marry this woman and have children, which I want, it would not be an issue of the children having a tough time, it would be more of him/her growing up, marrying a white person and having children.  This would mean everything my parents fought for (money, property, solid name) and everything I will accomplish (world domination :-D) will transfer over into a family that is predominantly white.  Therefore, abandoning my entire families fight to keep our money "black."

2)  I really want 100% black children, so I can give them everything I have been given in order to combat all of the negative stigma given to black youths.  I feel that I would hold a mixed child at a lower standard to do something great with their life.

3)  She doesn't like picnic ham or greens.

4)  She understands me, but I don't think she REALLY understands me as a partner of my race would.  I always find it tough to talk with her about instances when I am discriminated against or I tell her what some ignorant white person said to me in a bar. 


5)  I feel white people, no matter who they are, do not really know our culture/up bringing, and Vice-Versa.  We can only try to emulate it by what we observe or are told.  I don't think that is healthy.

6)  The utter feeling of shame when you walk into a family reunion, and you are the only person with a white woman.

7) MOSTLY about the kids

These are most of the things I am conflicting with right now.  Forgive me if I offended anyone, it was not my intent to do so.  Although, if you all analyze your feelings on the matter, I am sure you will find some insecurity or predilection you have concerning this subject.  I can't be the only one.

Thanks

[dividebyzero]

Great idea.
Everyone should do it.

That's my theory...
Hell, I do it as often as possible, twice on Saturdays.

[PaddyWack]

TopGunna, I can't really relate to most of what you said, but I can respect it.  Except number 6.

Why on earth would you feel such profound shame being the only one with a white woman?  Awkwardness?  Sure.  Apprehension?  Understandable.  But shame?  Wow.  Shame is what you feel when you're caught stealing money out of your aunt's purse.

I can sort of understand number 1, but not really.  Wouldn't any money go directly to you and your wife?  I don't see that as a White family, so much as your family.  Why would your in-laws enter into the picture?

Again, I understand and respect that you want 100% black kids.  But I'm not feeling you on that.  I knew early on that I wouldn't marry a black woman.  I want interracial kids.  I'm in a very serious relationship with an asian girl right now, and I can't wait to see what our kids will look like.

Interracial relationships are the best.  It's up to each and every one of us to stir that melting pot.  Racism is not going to go away until everyone looks alike.

BTW, anyone here attending Rutgers-Newark?  I'm pretty sure I'm going there in the fall.

[TopGunna]

PaddyWack, thank you for your reply.  "Shame" is a very strong word.  And all of the elements you described make up my feeling.  The anecdote you gave about stealing is somewhat the same thing.  Being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing.  The shame does not come from caring what other people think about us, it comes from me believing that I let my family down.

Secondly, the asset issue comes into play if my "mixed" child procreates with a white person, therefore making the offspring 3/4 Caucasian, and so on and so forth if the trend continues till there is not one ounce of "recognizable" black blood in my line.

Lastly, I totally agree with your statement about everyone looking alike, but is not being different what makes living so great?  If racism is one of the only drawbacks to being different, that is a sacrifice I will gladly accept.  I pity the person that cannot accept uniqueness as a gift, as well as a person wanting to be the status quo.

[ibroadrunr]

I feel like the problem with, say, keeping the money "black" or wanting 100% black children is there's an underlying us-them mentality.  How're things ever going to get better if we're all thinking in oppositional terms?



And how many people are actually "100% black" in the first place?  Do we want to deny the legitimacy of people's cultural claims based on bloodlines?



I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, TopGunna.  Just pointing out some of what I find problematic about this thinking.

[ibroadrunr]

I think it's great that you are open to this, but its more than just having cute kids and harmonizing everyone in some pot.

I agree here, too.


I don't think separatism or melty assimilation cut it.

(And I'm definitely more subtle than a damn spinach leaf, I'll have you know, so I'm skeptical about the tossed salad idea.)

Then again, I'm pretty into PoMo, which makes things like race tricky--we live our constructed realities.

[Slow Blues]

I think it's great that you are open to this, but its more than just having cute kids and harmonizing everyone in some pot.

Bobby Valentino would like to harmonize with you.

[PaddyWack]

I think it's great that you are open to this, but its more than just having cute kids and harmonizing everyone in some pot.

I agree here, too.


I don't think separatism or melty assimilation cut it.

(And I'm definitely more subtle than a damn spinach leaf, I'll have you know, so I'm skeptical about the tossed salad idea.)

Then again, I'm pretty into PoMo, which makes things like race tricky--we live our constructed realities.

Oh, for Chrissakes.  I was being facetious.  Not that there's any reason you should know this, but I studied racism, prejudice and discrimination and wrote a thesis on it.  I'm well aware of the plight of stigmatized groups and the underlying causes of prejudice and discrimination.  It's not going away.  Ever.

I'm just going to assume that the internet didn't adequately convey the light-heartedness I was going for - likely my own failure - and tentatively reject the idea that you're just being contentious for it's own sake.

[Statistic]

I have no problem with people dating outside their race. I'm pretty sure, however, that my wife, if I ever go down that road, will be a black women. Although I did see a white girl at the grocery store with a big ole booty today. hmm...   

[dbgirl]

OK,

I AM a mixed kid and I actually tend to agree with the theory that race-mixing will do a lot to improve race relations in this country.

I think wanting a "100 percent black" kid is strange. First, no black American is 100 percent black. Second, when white people say that they are labled Nazis.

You don't have to be "100 percent black" to be aware of your black heritage and respect what the older generation did to help blacks in this country.  And honestly from what I've seen, many so-called "100 percent black" people don't have a clue about the civil rights movement.