Any Suggestion for editing this letter?

[FSUGeoff]

I’m going tomorrow morning early to drop this off at the FSU college of Law, any idea on improvement, or if this is good, would be appreciated.


Florida State College of Law Admissions,

   I’m writing to express my total and complete commitment to attending Florida State University College of Law if admitted. I have several explicit reasons for continuing my educational experience at Florida State. First and foremost is my commitment to helping the people and communities of the great state of Florida. I have lived here my entire life, and wish to help provide legal services in my home state.
   It is also my situation where I am going to have to finance my Legal education myself, so to be able to attend a state university will go a long way to enable me to gain this education. It is unfortunate that monetary issues are of primary concern in educational matters; however this is a reality that must be accepted.
   I have a great love for Florida State University and all of its traditions, to be able to complete my entire education here, would be a dream for me. Tallahassee has truly grown on me, and I now consider it my home as much as Ft. Lauderdale.
   Thank you again for taking these factors in consideration when reviewing my file.

            Sincerely,
 

[FSUGeoff]

Do anybody think I should add something about how I would represent our university well, or is that too presumptuous and cocky?

[pass36]

I’m going tomorrow morning early to drop this off at the FSU college of Law, any idea on improvement, or if this is good would be appreciated.

(My gut reaction is it is a bad idea unless you have been waitlisted, but WTF do I know.  Edited letter below.)

Florida State Admissions,

   I would like to reemphasize my desire to attend Florida State University College of Law.  
         I have lived in Florida for my entire life and am committed to serving the people and communities of this great state. It has long been my dream to provide legal services to the people of my home state.
   I will be financing my legal education myself.  Attending a state university will enable me to earn my J.D. degree without an onerous debt burden that would prevent me from considering the public interest jobs that are my greatest interest..
   I have a great love for Florida State University and its traditions. To be able to complete my education here would be a dream come true for me. Tallahassee has grown on me to the point that I now consider it my home as much as Ft. Lauderdale.
   Thank you for your time and for considering these factors when reviewing my file.

            Sincerely,
 

[FSUGeoff]

Thanks, yeah I was too lazy to bust out my thesaurus. Only thing is that I am not really interested in public interest, and would feel bad misleading them as to my intentions

Why would you think this is a bad idea, these are all points I didn’t include in my personal statement. At least in my eyes, its how I genuinely feel, and feel it adds some depth to my application

[lww02]

yes definitely - what can you give them, in addition to what they can give you.

[pass36]

I thought the whole serve the state of FL stuff implied PI.  And if you are not doing PI, WTF should they care how much debt you have?  But you could end the third paragraph at "...debt burden."

I don't know why my gut reaction was don't bother.  It seems like straight up ass kissing to me.  But like I said, WTF do I know.  Plus I don't know anything about the rest of your app. 

[FSUGeoff]

Its a little bit of ass kissing, being borderline as hell, I thought some might be in order. Maybe you’re right though, I'm just very nervous/anxious.

[BTK]

Nothing wrong with ass kissing when your borderline.

[FSUGeoff]

Perhaps your correct, I just can feel my application teetering on the edge, and want to lay it all out there, I think I’m not going to send this letter in.

Just wish there was something more I could do

[Sweet Tea]

I think your letter sounds too stilted... I know you're sincere, but it comes off too ... needy and formal.

It may be better to just write a short note.  No need for empty filler words, etc.

"I am eager to hear from XYZ school of law.  I do want to clarify something that I perhaps did not make explicit in my application -- XYZ School of Law continues to be my top choice, and I will be able to accept an offer of admission with no hesitation. I am dedicated to serving the public interest in Florida, a state I am proud to have lived in all of my life.  Having attended undergraduate school here, I am confident that this is where I would like to continue my professional education. 

Thank you for your consideration..."