Chicago's deep dish pizza is so much better than that greasy paper-thin cardboard stuff they serve in the northeast, it's not even worth having a discussion. You're right about DC pizza though, it's pathetic. As for the T-14 that I know a damn thing about:
Columbia:
1) You have to do 15 minutes of research to figure out whether or not to address their dean of admissions as "Mr." or "Ms."
2) When they waitlist you, they call your category "reserve," a la a fine wine, as opposed to the fine bottle of urine that it really is
3) Judge Alito voted "Most Handsome Columbia Law Grad of the past 50 years" by US Weekly
UChicago:
1) If you need glasses but refuse to wear ones with thick dark rims, you'll have a hard time making friends
2) If you ever leave your bookbag outside, you run the risk of finding BOTH fellow students and homeless guys pissing on your books
3) The university pub doesn't serve whiskey, on the supposedly "Irish" southside - give me a break!
UVA:
1) Its intellectual horizon hits a brick wall at the Mason-Dixon line
2) Frat boys steal that jack-o-lantern that took you three hours to carve
3) It's been over 20 years since Ralph Sampson graduated
Northwestern:
1) Their interviews could be done more knowledgeably and personably by Claire, the automated voice of Sprint
2) Attempts at expressing pride in their athletic programs are inevitably followed by wishy-washy qualifications
3) Their refusal to publish class rank lets everybody truly believe that "they're #1!"
Georgetown:
1) Not actually in Georgetown, one of the few presentable parts of DC
2) Your class is not only the same size as Congress, but is capable of exuding equivalent amounts of hot air
3) They insist that students wear uncomfortable Hoya collars at all times for identification purposes
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