Non-Traditional Financial Decision

[potato]

Rings can be resized.

I'd be very upset if my boyfriend bought me a ring he couldn't afford and had to go into debt for. Then again, I'm atypical, in that I don't want a diamond engagement ring because of the issues involving conflict diamonds, the DeBeers cartel keeping the cost of diamonds artificially high, etc.  It's a marketing scam that DeBeers came up with in early 1900s to sell diamonds.   Which is too bad, cause they are pretty.  Ah well. 


Oh, or you could go with a wedding ring with diamonds on it, rather than an engagement ring/wedding ring combo.

Have you talked about this?

And congrats and best of luck!

[cayberr]

I'd be very upset if my boyfriend bought me a ring he couldn't afford and had to go into debt for. Then again, I'm atypical, in that I don't want a diamond engagement ring because of the issues involving conflict diamonds, the DeBeers cartel keeping the cost of diamonds artificially high, etc.  It's a marketing scam that DeBeers came up with in early 1900s to sell diamonds.   Which is too bad, cause they are pretty.  Ah well.

I couldn't agree more.  I would be beyond pissed if he bought me a ring beyond what he could afford.  But I'm atypical too. 

I actually don't want mined diamonds either because I'd rather not support the ugliness of the diamond trade (I was going to bring this up earlier but I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread and flame).  I'm looking into man-made/cultured diamonds for my engagement ring.  However, they are more abundant in pink, blue, and yellow, but I actually want colorless, which is rare for man-made diamonds.

[lsatflunkie]

   I'm not a materialistic person and I am not a jewelry freak, so my response may be biased. In any event, here it is....

I have a wonderful husband who I married because he was my best friend, has a wonderful spirit, an even more wonderful heart, an awesome sense of humor, and because he's great in bed    However, he did not have a lot of money when we met; in fact, he had a lot less than me.  I owned a home already, had finished college and was making a decent living. When he proposed, the only thing that mattered to me was that he did so because he truly loved me for who I am as I loved him the same.  Yes, your rings are "forever"- however, the love you share is more important than anything one can purchase- I hate to use the words of a commercial- but the love is "priceless".

[lsatflunkie]

oops, I forgot to add- my ring- it's beautiful, not because it is big or expensive, but because it came from the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with....
AND
FYI- I only wear it on special occasions- it has a very high setting and when I got pregnant, it didn't fit.  Thereafter, I was always afraid to wear it b/c I'd scratch my son-- so it only comes out when we're going out someplace kinda "formal".

[jashdey]

I disagree with the notion that you can only have one ring, i.e. the ring given during a proposal.  The worst thing you can do, IMHO, is take out a loan for a diamond ring that devalues so fast it's not even funny.

People typically put value in the sentimental aspects of the ring, but I'm totally atypical there.  I actually ended up selling my original wedding ring (after having it redesigned twice) because it turned out that I really did not like diamonds.  Partially because of the business practices involved, and partially because they are just so - well, common.  The whole "solitaire on a platinum band" thing seems to involve zero imagination and only focuses on the carat size of the stone for showoff purposes.  I now wear a carved sterling silver ring that I got at Tiffany's for about $150, and I love it.  I get lots of compliments on it as well, as it's unusual.

I'd chat with your future fiance to see what she wants.  If it turns out she wants a big herkin' diamond, there is no reason why you couldn't get one as a replacement when you're in a better financial situation - it doesn't mean she has to stop wearing the original one.

[lincolnsgrandson]

Good question - I proposed during my 1L.  I tried to get a ring from my mother, grandmother, but could not.  Thinking about the "two months salary" didn't even make sense.  I was in about $20K debt by that point.  How would that work?
So I planned a very sweet proposal, one with extraordinary sentimental value, and popped the question with no ring.  I got down on my knee - that's crucial.  She decided to marry my broke ass, and she did. Baby's on the way around graduation time.
I did present, after she accepted, a diamond studded heart-shaped pendant with sentimental value.

A lot of your friends and acquaintances will tell you, like they told me, how lucky she is to marry a sweet guy like you even without a ring.  I don't know if they believe that, but it's nice to hear.

So my recommendation is: do it.  Plan a very sweet and romantic proposal, but not so overplanned that it can fall apart too easily.  Make it a complete surprise.  And get down on your knee.  Get married, and don't wait until after you finish law school if you don't want to.

Make no mistake about this: there is an understanding that once you become an attorney and you're earning that scrill, a big rock is forthcoming.

Mazel tov.

[upNdown]

My 2 cents is that you have no business committing to marriage before you have a job and a house (or at least the means to put a roof over your heads).  She's a student, you're a student, you're both living on borrowed money (or on your parents' money).  I think you should wait until you are card carrying members of the real world before you make such committments.  It is coldly practical and totally unromantic advice, but you are soliciting loose change . . .   

[slp]

My DH and I married 9 years ago while we were both in grad school and broke, living on borrowed money.  We wanted to get married and priced rings, found out that we were in no position to pay for it. The way I looked at it was, if we were going to be married, the debts were going to be both of ours after marriage.  The practical thing to do was to forego the huge rock.  it didnt make sense for us to buys something extravagant when we didnt even have a reliable car to drive.  I was okay with waiting for the larger rock later on, and that worked out fine for us.  Although in the "Jones'" circle, it can be intimidating for some to be okay with that arrangement.  Some of the older couples have said that it was a wise and savvy thing to not blow a huge sum on a ring we could not afford.  My younger sister, insisted on a 3 grand ring and believed that she would never upgrade and wanted to big rock right away.  To each his own. 
Another friend bought his fiance's ring a year before proposing so by the time he proposed, the ring was pretty much paid off.  Given the OP's situation, a good idea might be to take the diamonds out of his grandmother's ring and have it custom made intoa new ring so the ring is new, updated and will suit the fiance's tastes.  Most of the cost is in the diamond, anyway so if u can get for free, go for it.

When u look back at this years down the road, u wont see this as such a big deal.  I have so many friends who dont even wear their engagement ring and either wear the diamond band or downgrade to a plain band to avoid accidentally scratching their newborn. 

It is far better to be able to provide financially to allow ure wife to stay home to raise kids if she chooses, live in a nice area, nice house, etc than get a rock u can't afford or will be paying on it for years.
A little off topic....A colleague of mine has a beautiful diamond and I said jokingly to her, "You cant be that brokw with that diamond on your finger" and she just looked at it and laughed saying, "Yeah right! this was bought back when we had no mortgage, car payment or other big bills. We could afford to make payments on it back then, but now forget it!"   

[jvan2619]

I guess ring size really does depend on what you like.  I think I was the only one who said spend the money   Sorry guys – didn’t realize how many people opposed it! 

To answer the original question (not about rings), my husband and I got married right after he quit his job to start his own business.  We went from two great incomes to losing his and mine being significantly decreased by a transfer.  Being married while struggling financially is hard…really hard.  My husband is truly my best friend and we have a wonderful marriage, but financially hard times really do cause tension.  It is the only thing we have EVER fought about.  It’s difficult when you have to split your money…no matter who is making/not making it.  If you are trying to be frugal, you get angry when the other person buys something (case in point – I now have a plasma tv in my living room – WHAT!!!! – yea, we really needed that).  Also, what is important to you as far as spending of your money often doesn’t coincide with your partners.  I like shoes – he likes eating out.  It’s just tough.

That said…I WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING. 

I would still without a doubt marry him again at that time, no matter how poor we were.  The one thing that we might “reconsider” was having a child while still strapped financially.  Children are EXPENSIVE!  We are so much stronger as a couple for having gone through this together.  We can make it through anything.

I think the real question is – do you want to marry her?

I only ask because I've seen way to many friends get married because they thought that was the "next step" in life.  Unfortunately it was the wrong person.  If she is the right person, it won't matter when, where or how you get married.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

[lincolnsgrandson]

My 2 cents is that you have no business committing to marriage before you have a job and a house...I think you should wait until you are card carrying members of the real world before you make such committments. It is coldly practical and totally unromantic advice, but you are soliciting loose change . . .

And you have no business telling someone else not to married, especially where it's because that doesn't person doesn't meet your own standards.  He asked about a ring, not for some fool like you to tell him whether or not he should get married.  You have no f--king clue whether or not he is a "card carrying member of the real world."  Save your judgments for yourself and your own children.  Don't tell other people not to get married.