Law School Discussion

Nine Years of Discussion
;

Author Topic: Closing sentence  (Read 488 times)

gameswizard

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 159
    • View Profile
    • Email
Closing sentence
« on: January 11, 2006, 10:32:48 AM »
I want my last sentence to be powerful and to convey
that I have never or will never back down fom challenges because if I had I wouldn't have made it this far

Does what I have work, is it grammatically correct, any suggestions on new sentences, keeping it as is, or revisions

After all, I am not someone who succumbs to challenges, with a heartfelt commitment of never becoming.

It seems like the with is throwing it off to me.

likewise

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 1055
    • View Profile
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2006, 11:16:37 AM »
How's bout sumpin' like:

I wrangle (or "contend with") each challenge life presents me; I will never bow out under duress alone.


I'd at least eliminate the transitional phrase.

magnumalv

  • Guest
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2006, 11:40:18 AM »

After all, I am not someone who succumbs to challenges, with a heartfelt commitment of never becoming.

You can't end a sentence with "becoming" unless you tell us what it is that you are or are not becoming.

otakueric

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 27
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2006, 12:06:02 PM »

After all, I am not someone who succumbs to challenges, with a heartfelt commitment of never becoming.

You can't end a sentence with "becoming" unless you tell us what it is that you are or are not becoming.

you can just add a 'one'...

blah blah ... of never becoming one...
committed : brooklaw
rejected : cuny law :[

Burhop

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 174
  • Editor girl @ Northwestern University
    • View Profile
    • I Edit Stuff.
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2006, 01:11:02 PM »
I want my last sentence to be powerful and to convey
that I have never or will never back down fom challenges because if I had I wouldn't have made it this far

Does what I have work, is it grammatically correct, any suggestions on new sentences, keeping it as is, or revisions

After all, I am not someone who succumbs to challenges, with a heartfelt commitment of never becoming.

It seems like the with is throwing it off to me.

I'm not sure that it says what you mean it to say... "succumb" doesn't just mean 'give in'--it usually indicates giving into a desire--like succumbing to passion, or buying an ipod. Hmmmm...So someone who *does* succumb to challenges might be someone who can't help but take them on, and someone who does *not* succumb to challenges never takes challenges on?

Holla if my reading of this sentence is baffling anyone.

dani
Lit Journal Editor, Grants Administrator, Poet, Girl about town
www.northwestessay.com

gameswizard

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 159
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2006, 04:02:35 PM »
I know that Burrows is going to throw the hamburger or whatever flag but...

I have a sentence near the begining saying that the my life made my feel as if I was 3 inches tall.  So what if I end like this....


After all, I have always risen to challenges, and today feel every inch of my six foot-one stature.   

likewise

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 1055
    • View Profile
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2006, 05:28:56 PM »
I know that Burrows is going to throw the hamburger or whatever flag but...

I have a sentence near the begining saying that the my life made my feel as if I was 3 inches tall.  So what if I end like this....


After all, I have always risen to challenges, and today feel every inch of my six foot-one stature.   

The "After all" would still drive me nuts...  Beyond that, much better than it was.  Might look into better WC for "risen to"  Need to eliminate the comma after "challenges", too.  Might look into your WC on "feel", too, as I'm not sure what you mean.

gameswizard

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 159
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Closing sentence
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2006, 12:15:01 AM »
I've changed it and could use a helpful eye real quick.