I must say I am not impressed with your story. FWIW, I've read about 12 PS's and they were all by far better than the one you propose. Nothing personal, you asked for advice. I would scrap it, and start over. If you pulled out your housemates from a roaring fire, rebuilt the house, then that would be ideal. However, You didn not do this. Most of the topics I've read were of the burning fire nature, I do not see that in yours.
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