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My Yale 250 - Have at it

JPhilmore

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Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2005, 02:27:13 PM »
Something about the concluding paragraph doesn't sit right with me.  Maybe the part about how international law wasn't founded on wisdom and love sounds a bit corny.  Maybe the implication that international law's reliance on Reason contributed to the most horrendous tragedies of the twentieth century is a claim that begs for justification (which clearly cannot be fit into a 250 word essay).  I'm not sure how I would re-word it though.

By the way, who is that in your avatar?

redemption

Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2005, 02:34:33 PM »
By the way, who is that in your avatar?

Monica Belluci. She looks the way that I feel: lost, but glad about it.

But who are these folks that you're talking to? 

Talking to Yale Adcomm. That's who it's for, so I thought I'd address them.

Something about the concluding paragraph doesn't sit right with me..... Maybe the implication that international law's reliance on Reason contributed to the most horrendous tragedies of the twentieth century is a claim that begs for justification (which clearly cannot be fit into a 250 word essay).  I'm not sure how I would re-word it though.

A "think piece", then?

JaimeNina

Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2005, 05:12:35 PM »
I think the main problem that I have with this 250 are the massive generalizations backed up by nothing at all. "Enlightenment thought in fashion." Really? Have you seen Fox News? "International law was founded on Reason." First, the Reason with a big R is totally pretentious. Second, was it really? Maybe it was founded on trade necessities, or war crimes courts, or any actual, real, situations that weren't as grand or vague. Who are you to say? It makes you sound like you're claiming a kind of omnicience that you can get into the heads of the founders of a whole discipline. Also, the "what will our excuse be" part makes it sound like you are kind of writing off the whole last century as a failure, which might not go over well with the Yale profs whose careers are significantly invested in it. 

I think i'd go with a more concrete approach, i guess.

drama gal

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Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2005, 06:36:10 PM »
My immediate gut reaction after reading it; I like it.

redemption

Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2005, 06:41:47 PM »
Any sense of what you like about it?

drama gal

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Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #15 on: December 30, 2005, 08:20:11 PM »
First, it is well thought out.  You also covered a number of disciplines;
history, politics, math, science, religion, technology, humanities,.... and was able to successfully weave them together revealing a sense of intellect along with social awareness and consciousness in 250 words. You also have a unique voice, not necessarily original, but unique none the less that comes through for it is bold  and is embedded with sarcasm and wit with reflections of truth.

I also like the topic, but I guess I am somewhat bias, because I tend to agree that it seems, the more things change the more they stay the same, and what will be our generations excuse?  More importantly, your essay also responds to Dean Koh's message to prospective students and the direction he plans for Yale.

I wish I could be more critical of your draft, but whatever comments I would add I couldn't help feel that I would be helping you write it and you did a hell of a job on your own!  I am sure you have heard this before, but you do have a really good style and sense of writing as is evident in your post.  After several rereads, I like it even more. However, this is simply my opinion. Good Luck!


nukelaw

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Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #16 on: December 30, 2005, 11:52:58 PM »
Honestly, I hated it.

My response would be that you come off trying to describe your approach to the world in 250 words. Personally, I think you're better off with a narrow focus that can be more fully developed in the space allotted.

jeb240

Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #17 on: December 31, 2005, 03:05:45 AM »
Here is something we all seem to overlook in writing AND especially in critiquing the Yale 250 Essay: At not point has Yale said that the essay need constitute anything ressembling a complete thought.

"Most applicants to Yale Law School have outstanding academic records and LSAT scores. Faculty readers look to the required short essay (Question 7) to evaluate an applicant’s writing, thinking, and editing skills, as well as to learn more about the applicant’s intellectual concerns or passions, sense of humor, and ability to think across disciplines. The subject is not limited; the choice of topic itself may be informative to the readers."

I wonder if Yale appreciates the essays that wander far from home, too far to return in the time they've got, and make camp wherever they find themselves.  They might not.  But the essay we have from Redemption seems to fit the specifications of the essay to a T (though I haven't bothered to count the words and I'm still against "our").  It's broad.  Yes.  That seems almost to be in line with the requirements rather than against them.  It's perhaps overly intellectual.  Well I imagine that's pandemic at Yale and I'd say it definitely indicates the writer's "intellectual concerns or passions."

We've assumed that Yale wants resolution in 250 words.  Perhaps they don't (care)?

jg983

Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #18 on: December 31, 2005, 03:50:08 AM »
I don't like it. I know you've had a shot at my 250, so I don't mind saying so. It came off as know-it-all-y in a way that made me cringe. I think, however, that a lot of this gut reaction had to do with a couple things -- among them, your oh-so-German capitalization of a few words (I understand the justification; I just don't agree with it) and a few grammatical errors that make the content seem less sophisticated. If you want more detailed stuff on the grammar, and don't feel like talking to an English prof., PM it to me or MaraudingJ -- we both have professional editing experience (but an English prof. would be better). I think at this point, however, the biggest problem is tone.

mobo

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Re: My Yale 250 - Have at it
« Reply #19 on: December 31, 2005, 03:54:27 AM »
i like the essay for these reasons that drama101 mentioned -

Quote
First, it is well thought out.  You also covered a number of disciplines;
history, politics, math, science, religion, technology, humanities,.... and was able to successfully weave them together revealing a sense of intellect along with social awareness and consciousness in 250 words. You also have a unique voice, not necessarily original, but unique none the less that comes through for it is bold  and is embedded with sarcasm and wit with reflections of truth.

i don't believe that yale is looking for resolution...not in 250 words, so the open-ended aspect of it works for me. technically, i agree that the essay meets the requirements, but there is something missing for me.

redemption, you write beautifully - and i think your 250 would absolutely pop if there was some sense of your own involvement in or experience with the subject matter, rather than what seems to be purely an academic opinion. not that it has to be about you - but no one can argue with YOUR experience of something, because it is uniquely yours. whereas anyone can take issue with academic opinion. if your essay made it clear that your view of intl law came from some aspect of your life experience, then i think you would nail it.