I agree that it's a well-written essay, but it doesn't really reveal anything about the writer. If the goal of these things is to allow the adcoms to get to know you more personally, I would think this essay fails to do that.
You're all joking, right? It's crappily written, vapid and doesn't say (or try to say) anything interesting at all. Am I missing something? It's not possible that the kid got in to Yale with this essay; it would erase benefit of the doubt that his numbers may have generated.Better guess: it's the OP's draft and he wants a critique. Mine is: put away the thesaurus, think of something interesting to say, and say it.