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Author Topic: Opening Paragraph- Please critique  (Read 644 times)

New Man

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Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« on: October 23, 2005, 02:07:23 PM »
Am I going in the right direction.

 It was the middle of summer when it happened, I should have realized that all was not well when I felt my body shiver from a cold sharp breeze. Everyone else around me was seating from the heat, whilst my body went rigid with cold. Just that morning I had brushed her long, flowing blond hair, her face turning to smile at me every couple of seconds. My hand caressing her back. We made love that morning, and I swear I felt the earth move, my body exploded both with orgasm and joy. I felt that I was really alive. What we had done wasn't so bad, she had to leave her husband, our love was sacred, wasn't it? What you don't know is that I am 22, she is 32 and married. You never hear about young men getting lied too and used by older women, but it does happen. I'm proof, and my empty bank account just goes to show you that love is not everything you think it will be.

 I AM THEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHY I WANT TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL AND BE A DA AND PROSECUTE WOMEN WHO PREY ON YOUNG MEN. WHAT YOU THINK??

snikrep

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2005, 02:47:28 PM »
ROFL, are you serious?

chrisfield

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2005, 02:55:05 PM »
If you are serious (and I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt), it seems a little risky.  Just my take.

snikrep

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2005, 03:28:24 PM »
If you are serious, that'd be a very risky topic.  You'd certainly stand out, but a first paragraph talking about making love to a married women who then ripped you off... sheesh, you're either in the trash can or they're admitting you.

SanchoPanzo

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2005, 03:31:22 PM »
Definite Auto-admit or auto-reject. No "maybe" pile for you. ;D
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kajrare

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2005, 03:56:50 PM »
You may be the only person to talk about "exploding with orgasm and joy." If you really want to write about this you may want to cut back the romance novel intro.
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FossilJ

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2005, 04:40:19 PM »
U R TEH BAD TROLL >:-O  xoxohth
Pish, J only wants to waste YOUR time.  Get wise.

Vannabunny

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2005, 09:17:57 PM »
I think the concept is awesome....definately got my attention, but, like soem onther people said, you may want to hold back some of the descriptions of orgasms or it sounds like a cheezy romance novel. Otherwise i liked it
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New Man

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2005, 09:42:32 PM »
I guess I should hold back from the orgasmic reference, and the making love. I just wanted to take a risk and stand out, maybe that makes me stand out too much!!


King80s

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Re: Opening Paragraph- Please critique
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2005, 10:05:26 PM »

A rare but definite 180