Quite a sales pitch, but are these substance abuse programs top 100 or not? Also what substances are they doing in most recent U.S. News rankings the top 10 addictive drugs were.
1. Bath salts
I certainly don't want to end up in a tier 3/4 substance abuse program with some weak addiction to pot or something at graduation. I want to make sure that all Whotsamotta grads are working in jobs that require some kind of parole/condition rehabilitation program for re-entry into society. If your grads are not working in official substance abuse programs you need to disclose that remember you are personally responsible for the severity of each student's addiction and they play no part in their own substance abuse success stories.
Potential Applicant to Whotsamotta
NOTICE: THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN TRANSLATED INTO REGULAR ENGLISH BY THE JULIE-IZER GRX 4000-L 1/2 (PAT PENDING, AS WELL AS HIS SISTER, MARCIA PENDING)
Dean Julie is afraid that your naivite shows in many ways, Li'l Grasshopper. LSD and acid are the same substance by different names. Neither that drug nor the mushrooms--presumed to be psilocybin--ever have landed anyone in a rehab program. On the bright side, your lack of research bodes well for your application to Whotsamotta U., I must say.
You're also under the endearing misimpression that our graduates don't find gainful employment in the law but, rather, in substance abuse programs, and even then only after criminal prosecution. Not to put too fine a point it, but this is silly. Our graduates go into "country club" programs that are so exclusive that U.S . News and World Report
doesn't even know
about them. Yes, our graduates abuse substances, but they are all sorts of substances; we're very big on diversity at Whotsamotta U. But then they dry out like ordinary rich people and, as already mentioned, join Mommy or Daddy's firm. Their intensive training in substance abuse helps them to pass the many long hours from 10-2 (don't forget the lunch hour!) known as "work." Really, it's quite like being Mitt Romney (coke and meth, by the way).
Please do apply to Whotsamotta...and don;t forget your $20,000 application fee!
Whotsamotta School of Law and Leisure Studies
Somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.