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Author Topic: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE  (Read 1338 times)

Rs5020

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Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE
« on: December 29, 2011, 01:16:33 AM »
Please feel free to critique my personal statement. I feel it sounds like i'm solely explaining why I want to be a lawyer.. Not Sure.. All feedback is good feedback so feel free to critique with constructive criticism =)


Coming from a family where science and mathematics are the predominant way of thinking, I have stepped outside the box and ventured into unknown territory. The rationale and objectivity demanded within the legal profession came naturally throughout my college coursework in communication and philosophy.  I enjoyed the analysis and depth of understanding of individuals and cultures that communications presented and was fascinated by the writings and knowledge that philosophy offered. Specifically, my Political Communication class and professor,*****, at the University of ***** were instrumental in guiding me towards law school, broadening my perception of American politics and the crucial role legal advocates play in advancing social justice.

The importance of helping those in need was instilled in me at a young age. During and after college, I volunteered with charity organizations such as the ***, providing emotional support to domestic violence survivors and offering women guidance in securing a safe living environment. Though this opportunity left me with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, I wanted to be part of a movement to mobilize and benefit many. I therefore joined the *** Campaign, where I learnt that, through leadership and determination, it is possible to enthuse others to make change happen. Over several months, a variety of local businesses offered their assistance and support in organizing a fundraiser.  Witnessing how everyone came together in support of a common goal inspired me. I observed the impact an individual can have on people when he or she has the people’s interest at heart, and that became the hallmark of my interest in pursuing social justice through the field of law.

Working towards something I believed in and seeing firsthand how ***’s rhetoric and policies impacted women and families reinforced my desire to attend law school. This interest was further strengthened with each volunteer endeavor I undertook. While volunteering at a family violence clinic, I recognized my ability to help those who require assistance due to social injustice. In this capacity, I interacted with women from low-income neighborhoods, many of whom are immigrants from ****. I saw the day-to-day challenges disadvantaged women face as they strive to protect their children and themselves; many of these women had no sense of security, living in homes that provided no sanctuary for them or their children. These individuals made me aware of the need for legislative and legal action on their behalf. Working with them has prepared me to tackle pressing social and legal issues, while intensifying my desire to join the legal profession.
 
_______ University offers opportunities that allow students to interact with faculty and individuals in the community. The respected faculty and their accessibility to students are essential to both students and the university’s success. The continuous expansion of various programs offered to legal students enables them to gain experience and knowledge required in the legal profession. For example, ______, ________________. 
 
Growing up in ***, I have been immersed in the multifaceted ideas and individual viewpoints of its diverse demographics. ______ significant contribution to the community and those in need is something I strongly believe in. My commitment to equality and to the people and organizations that help those in need underlies my interest in the legal profession and my desire to pursue public service. I want to acquire a greater understanding of the opportunities and limitations of the law, so that I can use that knowledge proactively to promote a greater sense of the legal system that shapes our lives, directly or collaterally.

My aspiration to pursue a career in law invigorates me on a daily basis, given my admiration for the impact law has on a society and the influence of adept lawmakers. Stepping outside the box has allowed me to understand attorneys' profound responsibility to society, given their ability to impact individuals’ lives. I am confident the comprehensive education offered at _____ Law School will enable me to venture into the world with the correct moral and ethical standpoint, which in turn will allow me to identify with all who live in our ever developing and diverse society.


Amicus Curiae

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Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2011, 11:53:26 PM »
Hi,

People were kind enough to critique my PS and I am doing my best to "pay it forward."

I like your PS. There are a few things that made me stop and research. For instance, I would drop the "s" from the word "towards" (e.g. toward law school). Although the British do use the word with an "s" on the end. I also saw the word "learnt" (another British term). Although the past participle is technically correct, I think the sentence would read better by using the word "learned." However, realize that I have an American bias and I understand that you may not be American and/or not care to make these changes.

Other than those two changes, I suggest making sure that your PS fits into any particular word/page requirements of the school(s) you want to apply to.

Good job and good luck!

gillyflower

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Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2012, 10:45:11 AM »
I think your PS is well-written and a great insight into you, your inspirations, and your goals.  I am concerned, however, that it comes across a bit as a list of various steps in your life...all of which are probably clearly laid out in your resume.  In my personal opinion, for a PS to stand out, it helps to have a narrative or story or anecdote.  I bet from your varied experiences you must have several that could work.  If you feel comfortable sharing one--one for example that demonstrates a moment at the domestic violence clinic that inspired you to pursue a career in social justice--it would make your PS more personal, more interesting, and more compelling. 

writetrackad

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Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2012, 04:37:56 PM »
Your case for why you want to attend law school is solid, but can be significantly articulated and presented in a more precise way.  Your content is solid, but reads more like a chronological list of experiences that culminates with a prevailing desire to attend law school.  In sum, your statement can be enhanced and humanized considerably.  For samples of stellar statements, and more comprehensive assistance, please email me at kal@writetrackadmissions.com, where I can give you a more thorough assessment of your statement.
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