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Author Topic: Please Critique first draft!!!  (Read 501 times)

sbuzz

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Please Critique first draft!!!
« on: November 17, 2011, 03:33:27 PM »
I would appreciate any feedback. I have not figured out how I will conclude it yet. Any ideas for that would be great too!



I sat in the computer lab judiciously reading over my Organizational Behavior paper. It was a full house and tensions were high, my fellow students anxiously typing away at their own current projects. Beside me, my friend Katie sat simultaneously scanning documents online and corresponding with her fundraising project associate. On a coffee run later that evening, Katie told me about how she was working with the Imagine Foundation designed to end child slavery in an effort to raise money and awareness for the Nepal Orphans Home. Katieís enthusiasm and sincerity intrigued me. I decided to learn more about the issue and join Katie in being a part of the solution.

In the past, a benefit was held raising enough money to save fifteen young girls from human trafficking in Nepal. We teamed together with other volunteers to organize and run a second Imagine Benefit. The support we were able to generate was evident on the evening of our benefit. Local businesses of all types donated their products, services, and time to make the event a success. Those in attendance had the opportunity to Skype chat with some of the children rescued by the Nepal Orphans Home. We raised almost $18,000 that evening, but just as importantly we raised awareness. Although the problem remains, we were part of the solution.

 The skills to research an issue, analyze possible solutions, and work to implement them are something Iíve honed throughout my undergrad experience. I thrive when I have a problem to solve or goal to work toward. When I moved home after graduation for financial and family-related reasons, I worried I was putting my career goals on hold. I often felt I was slipping further away from my aspirations to go to law school and become a lawyer. I now realize that my life experiences in the past year have solidified my confidence in my ability to succeed.

The fall after I graduated college my father was hospitalized with dangerously high blood sugar and difficulty breathing. The doctors diagnosed him with Type 2 Diabetes but were unable to come to a consensus in regards to his breathing problems. Three specialists and a heart catheterization later, we finally found the culprit. My fatherís right coronary artery was 100 percent blocked and his left anterior descending artery was 85 percent. He had three stents put in, ultimately saving his life. With a history of serious heart problems in his family, I knew we couldnít take any more chances with his health. As an avid fitness enthusiast, I knew how much proper diet and exercise could contribute to my fatherís various health calamities. I got ready to attack his problem the best way I knew how. I began researching coronary artery disease and Type 2 Diabetes online and at the library and took on an active role in helping him get healthy.

I explored specific dietary guidelines and encouraged him to start following them carefully.  My father, being the stubborn Italian man that he is, resisted at first, but I wasnít willing to back down. Armed with my solid argument, I presented him with the facts and made an emotional appeal. Iím proud to say my persistence paid off. Although itís an ongoing effort, my father has lost about twenty pounds, has stabilized his blood sugar, and is finally taking his health seriously.

For the past seven years, my family has watched helplessly as my grandmother succumbed to Alzheimerís disease. In the face of our tragedy, we also watched as my grandfather devoted himself unwaveringly to caring for her. I can confidently say that there is nothing he wouldnít do for her. While I admired his selflessness, this past year I started noticing an adverse change in his disposition. He wasnít the upbeat, engaged man Iíd known all my life. Heíd become withdrawn and depressed.

 I started researching the disease and the role of the primary caregiver. I found many helpful websites and books designed to help cope with the emotional, mental, and physical effects of caring for a loved one with Alzheimerís. Whenever I went to visit, Iíd bring my research and together we poured over the facts and advice. I could tell that simply learning more about what he and my grandmother were going through was helping, but I wanted him to truly feel intellectually stimulated again. I read numerous times that having an outlet to escape the emotional hardships is vital for the caregiverís wellbeing. I set out to help him find one.

My grandfather owned a laptop, but had never really learned how to use it. I resolved to teach him some basic internet and computer skills so he could take advantage of some of the endless uses computers have to offer. I showed him how to use email so he could correspond with faraway friends and family. I showed him the ease with which he could search and find out about anything he so desired. I taught him how to create and manage word documents. Being able to do these simple activities opened up a new world for him and I was pleased to see him excited about something again.