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Author Topic: Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!  (Read 1524 times)

oiuiuko

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Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!
« on: November 02, 2011, 12:06:14 PM »
Any critique would be much appreciated! Thank you for reading!

       My freelance career as a designer started with a successful contract negotiation during recess in the second grade. My client would receive a high quality copy of a colored pencil drawing while I would retain full copyright ownership of the original sketch and two dollars compensation. Since then I have broadened my client base and have worked as a designer on some of the most anticipated projects in the entertainment industry. Having reached a level of professional success that surpassed what I imagined for myself so early into my career, I now feel compelled to set new, far reaching goals for myself within this industry.
       There is a sense of reluctant acceptance among designers working in entertainment that plagiarism and intellectual property theft simply comes with the territory of being a digital artist in a global market.  Indeed, intellectual property theft is so common that one can easily become desensitized to its prevalence. Often I have found other designers and start up developers display work from my blog on their own professional websites. I was even deceived into developing an intellectual property that was initially stolen from independent developers. That I played a role, albeit unwittingly, in this kind of practice fueled my desire to acquire an arsenal of legal knowledge so that I may protect myself and others from this kind of exploitation.
       That people conduct such immoral business practice without consequence is not entirely surprising, given the legal systemís difficult task of keeping pace with the changes that continually transform the design field. Designers formulate ideas with software that is constantly evolving, and for this reason it is challenging to trace the origins and therefore ownership of a creative idea.  However, as someone who works at the forefront of development in this field, I believe that with an outstanding legal education I can help fill the gap between justice and creative ownership in the field of commercial design and intellectual property development. Combined with my ability to work from home as a designer, [XYZ University Law Schoolís reputation for offering one of the strongest part-time legal programs in the country has compelled me to seek admission to your school. 
       My experience working in immigration law has taught me that successful lawyering involves designing as well. A lawyer is presented with unique problems to solve and he must devise creative solutions while also conforming to a complex set of rules.  To extend my design skills into the legal field would enable me to affect the entertainment industry in ways that I believe will be truly far reaching and influential.

oiuiuko

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2011, 12:23:00 AM »
Well I'm very disappointed in this forum. 88 views, no replies. Thanks for nothing everyone :)

FalconJimmy

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2011, 05:48:20 AM »
Well I'm very disappointed in this forum. 88 views, no replies. Thanks for nothing everyone :)

It's finals time.

Okay, you spend a lot of time in this statement talking about the problem, but not why YOU WANT TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL.  Shift that balance.  Less problem.  More you.

I like the opening sentence.  It was catchy and interesting.

This comes across as you trying to show that you're already an attorney.  That will not play well.  Show why you want to work in the law.  Go for a little humility here.

Generally, there are two types of personal statements that do well.  There's the:  "I would be a great law student/lawyer because..." and the "I saved 3,000 guatemalen children while fighting deportation due to my illegal alien status in the US."  Yours is more, "There's these big problems.  If I learn the law, I can fight them."  Sorta fits category one, but again, less on the problems, more on you.

Also, this comes across as too short.  You need more meat on the bones.  They don't want to hear about intellectual property problems.  They want to hear about you.

Best of luck.

Amicus Curiae

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2011, 06:30:53 PM »
I agree with the response. The personal statement posted seems to address the problem more than giving enough particularity about the individual. Another point the respondent makes is makes is equally valid, this was posted while several people, including myself, were preparing for finals and the LSAT. Allow time for responses and exercise patience. There are websites and services solely for the purpose of personal statement review. If you need a faster response then it may be advantageous to avail yourself of one of those sites. I have a personal statement that I will be posting for feedback. Feel free to critique it when you have time. 

oiuiuko

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Re: Personal Statement Draft. Please read/critique!
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2012, 06:42:14 PM »
Hey, thanks for the response, guys! Even though I was snarky, you both still gave me valuable insight and I greatly appreciate it.