Critique and Suggestions Please

[kekepania]

editing

[lawyerintraining]

Honestly, I'd redo it all. It would have been ok if the story was about a lawyer who inspired you or anger at the system and wanting to lead the way to justice in medical law, but honestly it just sounded like "I sucked at what I wanted to do so I want to do law since it looks easier". 

[essayedit]

Hello,

I think your essay is off to a good start. Law Schools love cross- discipline applicants. They love students who come with an existing passion that they wish to strengthen by obtaining a legal education. I do agree with the first poster in that this essay read a bit too heavy on the medical side. We can help you fix this and any other essays you wish to write.

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[FalconJimmy]

Well... for what it's worth, I really agree that you need to scrap this whole thing.

If you follow the flow, it goes:

1.  Doctors are AWESOME!!!  So...
2.  I decided to be a doctor for 3 seconds, then realized how crappy the medical system is... and despite the fact that the criticisms I have about the medical system really had no impact whatsoever on what I could do as a doctor, I gave up my lifelong dream after being a candy-striper for a few seconds because now I realize that since the medical system sucks, DOCTORS SUCK and...
3.  Found a new lifelong dream of being an administrator.  Granted, everything that sucks about the medical system is because of administrators, not doctors.   Which explains why I don't want to be a doctor, I want to be an administrator.  Of course, most of the world thinks of administrators as being worthless overhead who contribute nearly nothing to the missions of the organizations they work for, but...
4.  it makes me perfectly suited to be an attorney!



What in the world did the paragraph on wanting to be a doctor do in this essay?  I mean, it's perfect if then, indeed, you DID become a doctor.  As is, though, it makes you sound like somebody who choses their life's work carelessly and then discards it hastily.

Re-work this sucker.  I don't see anything in there worth keeping.

[Burhop]

The good news is I was able to follow your prose easily - it's clean. What you eventually write will probably come across well. But yes - this is too broad, too young. You need a story where A) You're an adult and B) You come across as a leader, or hero, or caregiver, or some other "type" that is easily recognizable as a type that usually succeeds in law school. Your story should show that you are smart, strong, ambitious, thoughtful. This topic shows that you are inconstant, changeable, unsure.

best - Dani