Law School Discussion

Nine Years of Discussion
;

Author Topic: My first shot at a PS, any advice?  (Read 1437 times)

tg123

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
My first shot at a PS, any advice?
« on: March 01, 2011, 01:28:07 AM »
 delete

MikePing

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 247
    • View Profile
    • Law School Information
    • Email
Re: My first shot at a PS, any advice?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2011, 11:46:50 AM »
Have a professor or pre-law advisor help you proof it.  I didn't notice many errors, but the grammar could be tweaked to flow better.  There were several areas that I had to re-read. 

You can also check out this law school personal statement article.

cr00231

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: My first shot at a PS, any advice?
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2011, 06:05:50 PM »
Great theme and content on your PS. I like the parallels that you draw between the rigors of law school and being captain of the wrestling team. I have added some comments/changes below. Please remember that my comments/changes are only suggestions.
Good luck!!!


  Having dedicated 10 years of my life to wrestling, I can proudly stand up and say I have what it takes to endure any rigorous activity. The sport of wrestling may be the single most important factor contributing to who I am today. The consistent focus on core elements of success have been embed in me since early childhood because of my dedication to wrestling. Self-discipline, leadership, teamwork, and the ability to show confidence and optimism in the face of adversity are all traits that make up the central part of a successful wrestler. **Those same traits **are necessary for someone to find success not only in the gym, but in law school as well.

   I started wrestling as a seven year old, and had to learn how to develop “will power” at a very early age. The sport of wrestling is unlike other sports that a typical **7 (When writing numbers you are supposed to spell out single-digit whole numbers) year old **enlists (I would change this word. Enlists seems out of context since it’s associated with the military) in. The primary difference between wrestling and other team sports is the burden it carries on contestants. As a wrestler, **I had no teammates on the mat with me; only myself could be blamed for mistakes, or hoist up to celebrate success. **The ability to pick yourself up after a loss and keep going is a valuable asset for any individual to have. Thankfully, it’s an asset that I now have instilled in my **soul (This word seems strange), and it is an ability that separates myself from others.

        The individual responsibility placed on myself as a wrestler helped me to mature faster than my peers, and eventually turned me into a leader as well. **I was elected captain of the wrestling team and embraced the opportunity of being a role model for the younger wrestlers. Giving advice, staying late after practice to work on minor intricacies that the coaches didn’t have time for, and being in command of the daily exercise routines were responsibilities that I cherished as an early teenager. Few things can match the satisfaction I felt when I watched young wrestlers successfully use a move that I personally spent extra time teaching to them. **(Great sentence!!!)

      The characteristics that lead to my success in wrestling carried over with me to college, and in the workplace. I held two different management positions during my first three years in undergrad, and was elected to represent both companies on different advisory boards throughout multiple regions of the country. I spent my final year of college with a sole focus on studies, which lead to a sharp GPA increase and four consecutive Dean’s List awards. **(Is this on your resume/transcripts. You may want to avoid restating these if they are.)**

         As the son of a county prosecutor, I was raised with an understanding of the importance to serve and play a vital role in one's community, as well as the impact of fair decisions and impartiality. I hope to someday fill in the shoes of my father and play a role in the legal commune. I have an innate sense of compassion and empathy towards victims and I aspire to not only perform my due diligence in the fight against crime, but also play an important role in the determination of issues rising from a variety of different criminal allegations. **(Great paragraph. Goals are clearly stated and well defined)**

   **As I sit on the cusp of Law School, ready to put forth this same amount of work ethic towards my legal studies. In three short years, I’ll be able to represent my community and workplace with the same gusto and pride that I represented my wrestling teams with. Although there are several parallels, I do believe that practicing law is different from wrestling in a most important way.  Practicing law is not a sport.  It is a real fight. A lawyer is the ultimate warrior—combating against injustice and righting the wrongs in our society.  I am applying to the  _______ Law School with enthusiasm to have the opportunity to take place in your Prosecution Assistance Clinic, and after meeting the challenges of law school, I look forward to assuming my place in the legal arena

MikePing

  • Sr. Citizen
  • ****
  • Posts: 247
    • View Profile
    • Law School Information
    • Email
Re: My first shot at a PS, any advice?
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2011, 03:50:23 PM »
You should also be minimalistic with the fact that you are a wretstler throughout the rest of your application.  Let your PS tell them about wrestling, if there is little to no other reference to wrestling in your application, perfect! 

writetrack

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 6
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: My first shot at a PS, any advice?
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2011, 04:16:09 PM »
Your statement is a solid start.  You have excellent content, but could work on infusing more compelling language to make a stronger impression on the admissions committee, above all, and be sure that the introduction is nothing short of attention grabbing/pen dropping.  Be sure to follow be wary of these assessments:

First, your statement generally need stronger transitions between ideas, to help the fluidity of the read for the admissions committee.  Your sentences tend to be a bit choppy and disjointed, and therefore, would make for a more active read if your were able to integrate ideas with transition words and phrases.

Second, your statement largely would be significantly enhanced with more active, colorful and animated word choice and writing.  Use a quote, choose more eccentric or colorful words, and do not be afraid to be provocative.  Ultimately, the key with admissions essays is to be original, be remembered weeks after your essays have been reviewed, and most importantly, market yourself as an indispensable student who will enrich the law school community.  Creative and colorful language achieves this.

Third, the statement can benefit from better structuring.  Paragraphs tend to encompass several different ideas, and you also have a penchant for redundancy.  In order to curb this, you can tighten up your ideas and create space with the word quotas for new material. 

Fourth, the style of the statement need further polishing.  The language, in many instances, seems forced and inappropriate, and it seems as if you are forcing eloquent writing when it is perhaps not in order.  I can tell you are a solid writer, but the tenor of the piece does not flow and suffers from poor word choice in many instances.

Please contact me directly at info@writetrackadmissions.com if you require further assistance with your law school statement, and application.