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Author Topic: Urgent: my diversity statement (please...it's really short)  (Read 2336 times)

doovyhan

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Urgent: my diversity statement (please...it's really short)
« on: November 17, 2010, 07:38:31 AM »
Okay...after reading all the fuss about having to write the optional DS or what not, I decided to exploit the ambiguity melted within the word "diversity" and started to write a brief (300 words or so) statement. Appropriate? Inappropriate? Would it help to submit this at all?? (the topic doesn't overlap with my PS) Please, Please help me here.

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Last February, I finally obtained something I have longed for years, something that many people take for granted in this country yet has not been accessible to me. Though neither visible nor tangible, the absence of it has been more than just a burden to me. The answer to this riddle is the following; a social security number.

Ever since I came to America at the age of 15, I have lived in a dormitory all along. For an international student whose home was 8,000 miles away, even a mailing address was always a luxury to afford, let alone the social security number. Activities that constitute the everyday life of a typical American were stressful challenges for me to argue through explanations and documents. Opening a bank account, obtaining a driver's license or a cell phone, and even retrieving a package from the post office was rarely hassle-free for a non-resident alien without a proper proof of residency or a letter explaining my ineligibility for social security. During the seven years I spent here in the states, I realized that living as a foreigner in this country means a little more than having to line up at a different immigration queue at the entry. Being a foreigner means having to advocate for one's own rights in everyday situation and expect to face crisis in which your rights are threatened because of your unusual status: the very realization that eventually led me to aspire becoming a lawyer.

Once a non-English speaking teenager with nothing but a passport, now I have stood on my own in this country quite successfully, dare I say, now armed with a bachelorís degree, a job, a valid state-issued ID, and a social security number. Based on my experience, I believe that I can provide a distinct perspective in the law school community; I am equipped with a lens through which I can see American legal system from a foreigner's critical eyes while understanding and embracing the fundamental principles of the system like a native, a perspective that can only be obtained by living a significant amount of time both outside and inside of the border.


MEMEMEME

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Re: Urgent: my diversity statement (please...it's really short)
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2010, 08:03:36 PM »
It's good and well-written but I would drop the last line of the second paragraph and then take it to your college career advisor and pre-law advisor and see what they think.

writetrackad

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Re: Urgent: my diversity statement (please...it's really short)
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2010, 05:57:33 PM »
The objective of the diversity statement is to showcase not only your multiculturalism, but also your diverse and distinct perspectives, interests in the law, and how your personality will enrich the law school community.  With that said, I think your diversity statement can be markedly improved.  You have solid content, but first, you fail to effectively introduce the theme of the statement or your identity in the introduction.   This leaves the reader/admissions committee somewhat clueless, until halfway through the statement.  Remember to write the statements from the vantage point of the admissions' officer, and given that most statements (personal statement, diversity statements, etc) are skimmed, it is key to have your introduction be a cogent, comprehensive, and leading synopsis of what to expect in the remaining body of the piece.

If you have any further questions, please contact me at Kal@writetrackadmissions.com.

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Specks

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Re: Urgent: my diversity statement (please...it's really short)
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2010, 01:08:22 PM »

Last February, I finally obtained something I have coveted for years: something that many people take for granted in this country - A Social Security Number. Though neither visible nor tangible, the absence of it has been more than just a burden to me.

Ever since I came to America at the age of 15, I have lived in a dormitory all along. For an international student whose home was 8,000 miles away, even a mailing address was always a luxury to afford, let alone the social security number.

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make regarding having to live in dorms. I'd just talk about how you came here as an international student at the age of fifteen years and go straight into the line about the mailing address and the social security number.

Activities that constitute the everyday life of a typical American were stressful challenges for me to argue through explanations and documents. What do you mean by "to argue through explanations and documents?" The phrasing is a little off. I got it after I read your next sentence, but you need to rephrase that so the reader can immediately tell you mean things like bank accounts etc. I suggest cutting that and starting the next sentence with "For example, opening a bank account...."

Opening a bank account, obtaining a driver's license or a cell phone, and even retrieving a package from the post office was rarely hassle-free for a non-resident alien without a proper proof of residency or a letter explaining my ineligibility for social security. During the seven years I spent here in the states, I have realized that living as a foreigner in this country means a little more than having to line up at a different immigration queue at the entry. What do you mean by entry? I assume airport import area, but specify. Being a foreigner means having to advocate for one's own rights in everyday situations and expect to face crises in which your rights are threatened because of your unusual status. This very realization is what eventually inspired me to become a lawyer.

Once a non-English speaking teenager with nothing but a passport, now I have stood on my own in this country quite successfully, dare I say, I am now armed with a bachelorís degree, a job, a valid state-issued ID, and a social security number. Based on my experience, I believe that I can provide a distinct perspective in the law school community; because I can see the American legal system from a foreigner's critical eyes while understanding and embracing the fundamental principles of the system like a native. a perspective that can only be obtained by living a significant amount of time both outside and inside of the border.

Overall, good start. However, considering your opening, I think you need to elaborate more on the hardships of obtaining an SS card, why you didn't have one before, and how that was a challenge you overcame. Here, you just glossed over it. Also made some specific comments regarding your essay. Comments are underlined, stuff to be deleted is mostly struck through unless I rewrote the sentence. Bold is stuff I added or rewrote.

Good luck!