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Kkhanb

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Please give feedback
« on: July 16, 2010, 11:37:17 PM »
the limit is 500. i didn't put too much about my college experience b/c my resume says it all.
let me know what you guys think, any comment is much appreciated:

Ive made a few changed from my original post.

Born and raised in a small village in Northern Pakistan, I can recall my childhood years playing with dolls and toys that my mother sewed for me using old, worn-out clothes. Even more prominent than my memories of growing up in Pakistan, I remember the most momentous and life-altering change: leaving my Urdu-speaking country to start anew in Virginia. I cannot begin to understand how my parents came to such a life-altering decision without first considering their circumstances. My father worked at the only factory in the area, a flour distributing company, while my mother taught third grade. Growing up with five sisters, my father knew the lack of opportunities available for education women. Pakistan, to this day, is a very gender stereotypical country; all girls are either teachers or nurses. Having raised six girls, my father wanted us all to be something we wanted to be, not something society expected us to be. My parents recognized that a choice had to be made and shortly before my seventh birthday, they decided to leave everything they knew as home, in hope of building a new and better life.
After a month of living with my uncle, my father had earned enough money, working day and night as a taxi driver, for us to move into a small two-room apartment in Alexandria. There were two rooms and three beds to sleep on for the eight of us. While my parents worked, my father as a taxi and bus driver and my mother as a baby-sitter, I attended elementary school. I entered my third grade classroom with the excitement of a typical eight year old, but my anticipation quickly dissipated into fear. The language and cultural differences made it difficult for me to learn and communicate with other students. Determined to succeed, I began to learn as much as I could about the American culture and English grammar, focusing solely on the educational aspect of the school system. After changing two schools in the span of a year, I realized that although grades were important, being involved in the school was crucial. By participating in various organizations, such as becoming an editor for the yearbook and joining the Debate Club, I came to appreciate the intellectual value of objectivity while at the same time enhancing my ability to argue and research different sides of an issue. I believe all my experiences have contributed to shape my identity as a stronger and more secure individual.
After graduation I decided to attend George Mason University which further developed my interest in the study of law. Though my fascination with law undoubtedly dates back to high school, I never had the chance to fully develop this interest before college. Academically, I have taken classes that not only heighten my passion for becoming a lawyer but have also helped me find a connection between law and other areas of the criminal justice system. Interestingly, I think that I have learned as much about law through my participation in student organizations and jobs as I have through my classes.
My success so far is not only a testament to my intellectual ability, but also the strength of my determination. I consider my past a means of shaping me into the individual I am today and I feel that my personal experiences will help me bring a distinctive perspective to X Law School.

another option for last paragraph:
My success so far is not only a testament to my intellectual ability, but also the strength of my determination. I understand fully the rigors associated with studying law, and I am prepared to dedicate as much time as it takes to understand its theories and practices. I believe that certain qualities distinguish a superior law school graduate: dedication to the pursuit of knowledge, the ability to argue and defend an opinion, and the ability to plan, research, and present a watertight case. These qualities are vital to law and can also reap extensive rewards in many other areas of life. I am ready, willing, and able to accept the challenges that I will face during law school, and I look forward to forging a successful career, both as a student and as an attorney. I look forward to law school as an opportunity to develop my most cherished personal characteristics. My analytical, critical thinking, and interpersonal skills will help me become a competent attorney, and I am anxious to embark on this next stage of my career at X Law School.

im not sure how to combine this all in a few sentences. any suggestions?

Tsmdiver

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2010, 11:15:14 PM »
I would refrain from giving a history lesson on your life. Not that your family history is unimportant, but you should expand more on why it has shaped you- what about it? Also, there seems to be a bit of a disconnect between the second-to-last and the last paragraph. From reading, I can telling that you have had a very interesting life; however, the statement itself does not convey that. 
Juris Doctor Candidate 2012
Florida State University College of Law

Cicero

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2010, 01:22:34 AM »
(there was a post above this one from expes saying that a JD wasn't a doctorate and we weren't doctoral candidates)

If you are in LS, your resume should say something like:
Candidate for Juris Doctor  2012

It is still a doctorate degree, but you will be Esquire not Doctor. From what I have learned, though this may be incorrect, JDs aren't called Dr. like other degrees ending in "d" like MD, PhD, etc. because it would effect the way jurors view the info attorneys present in court.

the white rabbit

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2010, 07:29:27 AM »
Too many big words.  Pinnacle, for example.
Mood: Tired but cheerful.  :)

'blueskies

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2010, 11:24:02 AM »
Too many big words.  Pinnacle, for example.

that's not really a big word   ???

To the OP-  the writing is fine, but it's pretty boring.  The admissions committee doesn't care about where you went to elementary school or high school or even college really (plus they'll see that on your resume).  I think you might have a good story in there....but I'm just distracted by the places you've lived and the schools you went to.  That's irrelevant- tell a story about who you are
awkward follows you like a beer chasing a shot of tequila.

the white rabbit

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2010, 08:54:47 AM »
Too many big words.  Pinnacle, for example.

that's not really a big word   ???

It's bigger than it needs to be.  :)
Mood: Tired but cheerful.  :)

Kkhanb

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2010, 05:35:24 PM »
I have posted an edited version of my PS for those who have already commented on this previously. I just edited my first post.
Pls let me know what you think of the edited version.

ufo0001

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2010, 10:58:27 PM »
i'll be glad to give you feedback if you can look into mine as well

writetrackad

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Re: Please give feedback
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2010, 01:52:20 PM »
Khan:

The statement is a solid start, but reads like a chronological portrayal of your life.  It can be made far more dramatic, and compelling, if you deviate away from this generic structure and opt for a more focused and "lessons-learned" approach.  As a former law school admission's officer, I've encountered many essays that follow this mold, and these generally turn off the committee.

For a closer review of your statement, please contact me directly at kal@writetrackadmissions.com

Best,

Kal
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