It's very well written, however, I'm not sure I like the theme. It seems as though you are referring to yourself as just another ordinary person. I would submit to you that most people are shaped by the small influences around them rather than a single defining moment, and that nothing in your personal statement suggests that your development in life was anything out of the ordinary. For example, your story rings similar to the following statements: "As a child, I spoke my first word. After I spoke that first word, my mother praised me. Her praise influenced me to speak more. I can now speak extraordinarily well because of her praise." There's really nothing extraordinary about that -- it's just natural development.You need to think long and hard about what it is that makes you stand out from the crowd. Why do you want to go to law school? From what I can gather in your proposed statement, law school would be just another "'little' thing in life" that you could use to "move on to the next modest-but-defining moment." No law school wants someone that like that. Law schools want winners (i.e., extraordinary students with grand aspirations).
Its good! I enjoyed reading it. If it were my work, I'd re-write the opening paragraph so that it has a sense of direction. Plus, it has way too many commas. I'd also scratch the first sentence in the closing paragraph. Other than that, its cool. Best Wishes
also, i don't know what quite makes a "winner" in the way you mean it? what is a winner? am i supposed to talk about awards, a grander scale, or how i want to be the best lawyer there ever was? i don't know i quite agree with grand aspirations being a plus; no one wants a dreamer. perhaps i'm a realist.
Quote from: The Brian on July 01, 2010, 06:46:18 PMalso, i don't know what quite makes a "winner" in the way you mean it? what is a winner? am i supposed to talk about awards, a grander scale, or how i want to be the best lawyer there ever was? i don't know i quite agree with grand aspirations being a plus; no one wants a dreamer. perhaps i'm a realist. There is no one way to go about it. You need a compelling reason why they should select you - which might include a number of things (naturally progressing in life not being one of them). Tell them why you MUST go to law school, tell them that you have some sort of special talent to offer them, tell them that you plan to do x or y with your law degree, tell them why they should select you over Joe Blow. Just don't tell them that you plan on being mediocre.I'll give you an example. On my app, I talked about how I was taking my last college exam and how I didn't need the grade, but sat there on a Saturday morning and was the last damn person (besides the TA) to walk out of that room. It's things like that which define me as a person - I'm hard working, focused, and determined. I'm not okay with being mediocre. I'm not a normal person. I want to be the best and am willing to sacrifice for it.
it seems to me that your instance of being the last to leave during your last college test is pretty commonplace in its own right
Quote from: The Brian on July 01, 2010, 07:52:56 PMit seems to me that your instance of being the last to leave during your last college test is pretty commonplace in its own rightNot really. I seriously don't know anyone that (1) already had the highest grade in the class, (2) was willing to study for and (3) spend a Saturday morning taking (4) their last college examination. Nice try though. You'll get in everywhere you apply!!1!11!!!
"nice try though?" haha, what? am i missing something here? your input has helped me refocus my statement, but that last post came off ridiculously juvenile. did i hurt your feelings when i said being the last person to leave a test while also studying for it when you were already overachieving is commonplace? my bad, then.