Guys: How Would You Feel if Fiance Wouldn't Change Her Last Name?

[Jen2bJD]

Guys,

You start talking about the future with your girlfriend, and it comes out that she does not want to change her last name, but would rather keep her own name instead.  It's not for an extenuating reason, such as an established career--she'd just rather keep her own name.  How would you feel?  Be honest, and not PC!

My boyfriend and I had a two hour argument about this issue, and I finally relented and agreed to change my last name if we got married.  I know taking your husband's last name is by far the most common thing for a woman to do, I just didn't feel like doing it.  But, I did relent since it was such a big deal to him.

How would you react to your future wife wanting to keep her maiden name?

Thanks!

[CJScalia]

Actually, my honest opinion is that I would not want her to change her last name. I also don't like the idea of the father "giving her away". Maybe I'm a bit of a geek, but both of these things just reflect to much of the "old school" aspect of marriage, where it essentially was a property transaction from father to husband. I want my lady to be an independent and strong woman, and that just makes both of those things "wrong" to me. Kids would obviously get hyphenated last names.

(Unless they turn out to be brats, then they'll be all hers!)

[Jen2bJD]

I loved both of your responses! Thank you for replying.

Anyone else?

[mbw]

My spouse, who has had a long, very established career in a high tech field, didn't want to completely change his name, so he hyphenated.  I understand, as my name is very common and his isn't so much; so people would have to get used to the idea of his having a completely different name.  But I didn't budge with the kids - they have my name, not hyphenated (although we did give each of the kids his name as a second middle name.)

ETA:  Oh, I'm sorry -- you only wanted to hear from guys.  Reading comp fail on my part.

[newbie1234]

I'm going to be brutally honest with you and tell you what you don't want, but need, to hear:

I'm from the deep south and, unless you have a prestigious last name (e.g., you descended from a long line of distinguished attorneys / doctors / politicians), it would be an insult to me if you refused to, at the very least, hyphenate your last name. Your refusal to do so would imply that you do not want to be associated with me.

That is just my opinion - take it as you wish.

[stareindecisis]

I'm also from the south, but not the deep south (North Carolina).  Who knows if that affects my reaction, but I do NOT blame your fiance for being upset.  My future wife recently told me she'd be happy to take my name and I was honored and relieved.  I'm committing to her, I'm choosing a law school that is near where she wants to work, and I will support her however I can.  Her taking my name shows that she respects our union and is willing to make personal sacrifices for it (my last name is a bit more unwieldy than hers).

Also, in the back of every guy's mind:  "It's a bit easier for her to back out of this marriage if she hasn't even bothered to change her name."

Final note:  This response may appear bigoted, conservative, overly-general, even misogynistic.  I hope it isn't.  I'm just giving an honest perspective from a guy who can probably relate on some levels to your fiance.

[Jen2bJD]

I really appreciate all of the responses.  The great thing about a message board is that people will be more honest, and it is all food for thought. I love hearing everyone's thoughts on the matter and there's nothing offensive about any of them!

@stareindecisis, you sound just like my boyfriend; Thanks so much for being honest when the easiest thing to do is stick to a PC response. That goes for everyone, actually.

[TheCause]

I'm happy my wife took my name.  I didn't really consider the overall consequences to society, but it is nice for my immediate family to all have the same last name.

Whatever you do, don't make your kids hyphenate their names.  I worked with a married girl who had a triple name.  (Dad's last name -Mom's last name - husband's last name.)

That's just not very cool.  And are her kids going to have the triple hyphen?  Eventually even a Quadruple hyphen?

['blueskies]

That's just not very cool.  And are her kids going to have the triple hyphen?  Eventually even a Quadruple hyphen?

I have a feeling that College Lacrosse and Soccer Jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.

[Jen2bJD]

Whatever you do, don't make your kids hyphenate their names.  I worked with a married girl who had a triple name.  (Dad's last name -Mom's last name - husband's last name.)

That's just not very cool.  And are her kids going to have the triple hyphen?  Eventually even a Quadruple hyphen?

Yeah I can see where hyphenated names work for lots of people! It definitely seems like an equitable solution. It doesn't appeal to me personally, though.  I would just give the children my husband's surname.