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Author Topic: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??  (Read 1205 times)

jlongsc

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Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« on: October 26, 2009, 03:49:42 PM »
“Call 911 and wake up the neighbors” I screamed to my roommate as I noticed out the corner of my eye our apartment steps were one fire. I ran outside to evaluate the situation and realized there was no way to stop the large amount of flames consuming the wooded stairs leading three stories up. Our apartment was on the first floor, so as my roommate woke up the neighbors on our floor, I ran up to the third floor and banged on every door until someone answered and repeated this on the second floor. Between the confusion and adrenaline rushing through my body I was still somewhat able to keep my since of composer, and I knew that everyone had to be notified and gotten out to safety.  After we were able to make contact with everyone that was home that night, we were able to confirm that everyone was out. After these 20 minutes which seemed like an hour occurred we were only able to stand with 22 other members of our college community and watch our places of living completely burn to the ground. We had moved in that morning and been forced to move out that night. My roommate and I didn’t even think of our reporting the fire and waking up the neighbors as being anything other than that of the norm. It wasn’t until stories were released and members of my school’s faculty commended us on what we had done, I realized that because of our quick thinking and unselfishness others were not harmed.  Understanding this has helped me to realize after many years of struggling on what the center of my life is based on, that of helping others

amassherst

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2009, 04:39:34 PM »
Did you go to Seton Hall?

jlongsc

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2009, 04:42:51 PM »
No, it was a small branch of the Univeristy of South Carolina....what did you think? maybe change the premise about helping people to leadership...??

'blueskies

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2009, 04:45:40 PM »
You have a lot of glaring word usage errors, but it's an attention-getting first paragraph
awkward follows you like a beer chasing a shot of tequila.

mlacroix

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2009, 01:24:01 PM »
Definitely will grab the attention of readers.......Watch how long you make the story.  Just my 2 cents, I ran way over 2 pages because my story was too long.  I also did many drafts though to shorten it.  Overall, good start and try not to be to verbose but dont loose context either.

brocklanders12

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2009, 10:42:33 PM »
Kinda seems like you are applying to be a firefighter.

mccarthy

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Re: Opening Paragraph....Is it OK??
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2009, 11:25:58 PM »
Between the confusion and adrenaline rushing through my body I was still somewhat able to keep my since of composer, and I knew that everyone had to be notified and gotten out to safety.... It wasn’t until stories were released and members of my school’s faculty commended us on what we had done, I realized that because of our quick thinking and unselfishness others were not harmed

I don't understand how one can realize something that one already knew, a piece of information upon which you were already operating as a matter of fact.