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Author Topic: Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!  (Read 975 times)

lhyde17

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Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!
« on: October 22, 2009, 01:17:29 PM »
Hi all, this is how I'd like to open my statement. (I'm not a native English native speaker so I need it to be review for grammar by someone else) I will continue with showing how this little girl from a small city in other parts of the globe ends up studying and working in the US and how those experieces led her to decide to go to law school. What do you think? Thank you so much!


A six-year-old girl was astonished by the dynamic harbor when her father took her to his workplace for the first time: busy forklift trucks carrying different kinds of coils, cargo ships, which might be the biggest thing ever to the six-year-old, waiting to be loaded and steel beams organized in order in one corner-side of freight depot. Several docks and the big harbor that the girl saw on the day belonged to the company called XXX, which grew up to be one of the biggest steel companies in the world. The six-year-old girl from a small city in XXX grew up to be a career woman working for an international organization in XX and travelling around the world. More than 20 years have passed but the image of busy harbor still remains vividly.

vesperholly

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Re: Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2009, 05:14:09 PM »
I think it would work better in first person.
Legerdemain and sass

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Re: Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2009, 07:23:14 PM »
I think it would work better in first person.

I completely agree with this suggestion.  You'll eventually have to flip into first person for the later paragraphs so it'd really help continuity.  And if you or don't keep the third person, it comes off as fairly "gimmicky".  Not really badly, but it just might sound better straight forward and again, it'll help continuity.  So yeah, great suggestion.

elle-y

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Re: Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2009, 11:46:38 PM »
Also, first sentence is too long. Break it up. It will be much more effective :)
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lhyde17

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Re: Please give your opinion on beginning paragraphs!
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2009, 05:05:37 PM »
Thank you very much!