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Author Topic: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective  (Read 3737 times)

*devo*

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2009, 02:09:55 AM »
I'm a 1L right now too. I've been married to my wife for 4 years and we have an 8 month old baby.

Your husband's behavior is not normal. Obviously, he is being extremely selfish. He has time for his classmates, but not his wife and child. There is no excuse for this. 1L stress does not extend to inappropriate relationships with classmates and family neglect. Every extra moment he has should be spent with his family, with the exception of the occasional time with classmates to bond and blow off steam. One-on-one bonding should not be happening with a single girl.

I don't have much time for my family, but any free time I do have is spent with them. It's usually at least an hour for dinner and on weekends it is more.

Your husband is using law school "stress" as an excuse to live it up like it's freshman year. You need to confront him about this. He will get wishy-washy and claim his behavior is normal. It is obvious from our comments that it isn't.

latenightlaw

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2009, 09:58:21 AM »
I am a 1L married with a 13 year old, 33 years old. I work 4 days a week and attend school 4 nights a week.  I don't spend one more second than I need to at school, the second class is over I am out of there and headed home to see my family.  I study in my car at lunch so I have less to do when I'm home.  The majority of the kids at my school are in their early 20s and I can't imagine hanging out with them, certainly not until 3am!  The only events I attend are the ones during the hour between work and class (I live in the opposite direction from school or else I'd probably go home) and the ones that I feel will be really useful. 

I would definitely question your husband's motives, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he is having an affair, but his actions certainly don't seem totally innocent.  You should talk to him about whats going on, because it is not normal.  He should be relieving his stress with his wife and daughter, not some 24 year old girl!

lawness

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2009, 01:23:46 PM »
I am a married 1L and I can tell you that if I acted like that, my wife would cut my nuts off! Sounds like you need to tighten the rope.

EarlCat

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2009, 01:28:19 PM »
I'm not going to jump to conclusions and accuse him of having an affair at this point, but it does appear to be rather selfish and inconsiderate to be spending bar time with other law students rather than his wife and kid.  And staying out drinking until 3am would have killed my grades 1L year.

I did 1L year and am doing 2L year while in a long-distance relationship.  I have bonded with other law students, and have made close friends in school, including one really close female friend in particular (and no, I'm not banging her).  But I don't have to be with her or any of my friends all the time.  I have my study groups once or twice a week, I have lunch or dinner with friends once or twice a week, and I spend most of my other time alone reading and writing.  I also call my girlfriend several times a day, she visits regularly, and I go out of my way (and probably sacrifice a little GPA) to make time for her.  If she were in town, that would be even moreso.

You do need to have a serious talk with your husband about priorities.  Law school is a new and exciting experience, and it's natural to want to participate in everything and spend time with newly found friends.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But it shouldn't take the place of his commitments.  At the very least, he's gone a bit overboard.  Hopefully it's nothing worse.

surenough

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2009, 01:49:41 PM »
 I am also in law school, married with a child. I really like studying in study groups. I know a lot of people who replied said for them it is a waste of time, but it is not so for me. I found that going through hypos with other people really helps me identify my weaknesses and ensure I cover all the issues, not just the ones I think are important. So I understand needing to allocate time for that. A month before the finals, I can easily meet with my study group from morning to evening every single weekend. But, of course everything is within reason. I don't miss family functions. Birthdays, holiday dinners, I make sure I am there. However, if my family had a tradition to have an important family function twice a week, every weekend, I can honestly say, I would not attend, because that would literally mean quitting law school. I also don't feel like law school is hurting my relationship with my husband because I can go to the library in the morning, come back in the evening, and we can spend time together ( whether it be going out to dinner or staying in) Also, when I say study with my study group, I mean actual no - nonsense studying - no fun, hanging out activities.

Original Poster: I think it is okay that your husband is studying with a younger female ( especially since you trust him). I personally don't care who I study with ( I would study with a bear if I thought it would increase my chances of getting a better grade). I also think it makes sense that he'd be spending time with her, because studying and doing exams is time consuming.I don't know what your expectations are, but if there are family functions all the time - some have to get skipped because it is unavoidable. However, I think it is very odd that he is skipping family functions to take her out or that he says that she is the only one who can understand the pressure he is under. I think she can understand the laws better than you, but I don't see why she can relate to him on a personal level better than you just because she has to study hard. That makes no sense. I also don't see why he has to go out drinking with his law school friends. That is something I have no justification for. Like I said before, studying is time consuming, so whatever free time I have is certainly not spent in bars. I think your husband is having problems prioritizing. Either way, soon you will know exactly what is going on. Ones the finals end, he will have a lengthy break, with no stress, so there will not be any reason for him to meet this study partner on an individual basis. If he continues to do so, something is pretty wrong. Good luck.

IPFreely

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2009, 08:45:31 AM »
I'm a dude and agree, your husband is banging this girl.  Start thinking of ways to (legally) screw up his life.
Bad idea, this advice.  No matter what, you destroy your marriage.  If right, you also destroy his future earning potential and hence how much child support you can collect.

Talk to him.  Work it out.

mason123

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2009, 11:18:08 AM »
u00p2j, you've surely got a marital problem on your hands.

Your husband evidently has free time to spend on this other woman and CHOOSES to abscond from his home centered obligations. You are likely being more trustworthy than is necessary. However, on the other hand, you coming here is a sign that you have some trust problems with your husband. If you do have trust issues, you are clearly NOT in the wrong.

Although the first year is mentally taxing, it is not overwhelming to the extent that you speak of. It may simply be the case that your husband has grown a little tired of his family role and has found a way back to his youth. Law school has sexual tension every where, but that is not a dispositive sign that he is cheating. Your description of the situation suggests that your husband has been absurdly unreasonable and is not correctly balancing his priorities.

Of course, we have not heard the whole story, and we are therefore basing our opinions on a monologue when we truly require a multifaceted dialogue. I wish you good luck.

EarlCat

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Re: Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2009, 12:47:01 PM »
Law school has sexual tension every where

lol