Wife of a 1L... I need some perspective

[u00p2j]

Hi,

My husband has been in law scholl for 8 weeks now. We've been married for nine years and have a 6-year-old daughter. We've always had a great relationship, even through some pretty rough times, and he's a wonderful, caring father... they were like best friends.

Since the second week of law school he's been completely absent. From everything I've heard and read, this is normal. I believe that from the mountain of work I know is being piled on him everyday. I can handle that and his not being around because he can't concentrate at home. What I'm having a hard time understanding (and this is where I need some perspective if this is normal) how a 36 year old married man with a child instantly becomes best friends with a 24 year old girl, becomes her study buddy, can't function without spending time with her, can't go to family functions without bringing her, has to go the bars to shoot darts with her until 3am at least 3x each week, takes her to get her car fixed, goes out to dinner with her every night without us, goes to the mall to buy winter coats together.... I could go on. I actually talked to her yesterday while my husband was driving them to dinner and suggested that we meet them and she flat out told me that wasn't a good idea... I could go on.

As far as time with his family is concerned, we don't see him for days on end unless my daughter and I drop in on him and her at their favorite study places. He is still sleeping when I leave for work. He doesn't come home until 12-3 am. My daughter hasn't seen him in at least a week and now says she doesn't care if he comes home. She's having problems at school. I have gone to the bar 2x with him and his law school friends.

Now, I've met this girl. She's very nice, I actually really like her. And I do trust my husband. So I don't think there is a physical relationship going on. However, I do believe there is some inappropriate behavior happening here. I can't find any other posts or blogs from law school widows that describes this behavior.

Is this normal? Am I supposed to support this? Is this what I signed up for?

Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

[nealric]

What I'm having a hard time understanding (and this is where I need some perspective if this is normal) how a 36 year old married man with a child instantly becomes best friends with a 24 year old girl, becomes her study buddy, can't function without spending time with her, can't go to family functions without bringing her, has to go the bars to shoot darts with her until 3am at least 3x each week, takes her to get her car fixed, goes out to dinner with her every night without us, goes to the mall to buy winter coats together.... I could go on. I actually talked to her yesterday while my husband was driving them to dinner and suggested that we meet them and she flat out told me that wasn't a good idea... I could go on.

This isn't really a law school question; it's a relationship question. No, there is no rule that all 36 year old law students shoot darts until 3AM with 24 year olds. Sounds like you need to be talking to him about this- not us.

[jacy85]

No, that's not normal.  I've been out of school for a year, and my now-husband was with me for the entire ride.  I did go to events and study groups without him, but I kept him very involved, brought him to any event that was appropriate for guests, made sure when I went out in a big group for dinner/a drink, etc., that he came along to socialize.  And I made sure to schedule date nights or "quality time days" where I did no work and we went out or just made dinner and watched a movie together.  In contrast, it sounds like your husband has simply abandoned you.

It takes both partners to survive law school.  While it's important for you to support him, be understanding of the work load, etc., it's just as important for him to balance.  He needs to remember that while the work, networking, building relationships with classmates, etc. are all important, he has a wife and a daughter at home as well.  While balancing is difficult, what he's doing is just unreasonable, and (if I were in your shoes) unacceptable.

I suggest you get him to come home one day before 3 am and have a long, long talk with him about what your expectations are, how you're feeling, and try to ask him what's going on.  And if he starts complaining that you're not supporting him or understanding the needs of a 1L, you need to call him on his BS.

[u00p2j]

Nealric,

Good point. The reason I am asking this audience is because my husband says this is what all 1L students do and it's due to the stress he's under. Is this what all law students do? Do you form such tight bonds with other law school students that you need them more than anyone else to get you through this?  Do I need to just "man up" and deal with it?

Thanks for responding.

[nealric]

The reason I am asking this audience is because my husband says this is what all 1L students do and it's due to the stress he's under. Is this what all law students do?

I think everyone handles stress differently. Personally, I don't study well with groups- they tend to stress me out and I don't get anything done.

[Scentless Apprentice]

I would assume that hanging out with a younger girl is a great way for a guy to release stress. Law school or not.

[Bizarro Jerry]

Not normal...he's probably banging her.

[pnglbz]

I am married and in my third year of law school and I'm sorry to inform you honey, but your husband is unquestionably having an affair with this girl and using law school "stress" as his fig leaf.  Law school can be stressful at times, but no more than any of the other things that most people spend there days involved with. The fact that you even have a question if it is normal/appropriate for your husband, a married man, to be getting this close to and spending this much time with another woman FOR ANY REASON makes me wonder seriously wonder about your judgment.  Good luck!

[vap]

Is this normal? Am I supposed to support this? Is this what I signed up for?

No. No. No.

There are so many things wrong with your story; I don't know where to begin.

You need to have a talk.  The time your husband is spending doing anything other than going to class and reading is time that he chooses to spend with this other person over you and your child.  This has nothing to do with 1L stress.

[SEC_2L]

Agree, Let's be honest here. 1L is not the hardest thing in the world. I worked hard but made sure that I kept my relationship with my wife of equal priority. If I wasn't studying, writing or in class I was with her. This is a choice the OP's husband is making...not something "1L" is forcing on him...

Is this normal? Am I supposed to support this? Is this what I signed up for?

No. No. No.

There are so many things wrong with your story; I don't know where to begin.

You need to have a talk.  The time your husband is spending doing anything other than going to class and reading is time that he chooses to spend with this other person over you and your child.  This has nothing to do with 1L stress.