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Author Topic: please butcher my PS  (Read 2682 times)

dactylion

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2009, 05:29:09 PM »
I actually think the content of this essay isn't so bad, if you would just pick one of the examples. Too much of your essay repeats how others thought badly of your decisions and the personal statement is supposed to be about you. It's okay to mention how you were strong and independent enough to make your own decisions, but right now the focus seems to be: "all these people told me not to, but everything turned out well for me, haha to them." If you started out with some hook describing the conflicting feelings inside you as you knew you had to choose between Georgia Tech and Southern Poly, and then really took the reader through your decision making process, it would allow the admission committee to know more about you, instead about your vindication about your decisions. You could do the same thing with your decision about high schools or marriage (although I don't know how adcoms view personal statements about relationships. I've actually always wondered about this, so anyone who does know, please enlighten me) if you choose. However, I agree with lollypotter that your second essay idea seems more interesting and compelling, but I know some schools require additional essays, so I just wanted to tell you that your original idea isn't completely hopeless =)

Mitchell

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2009, 10:43:54 AM »
Mmmmmmmitchell

lollypotter

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2009, 12:41:48 PM »
I actually think the content of this essay isn't so bad, if you would just pick one of the examples. Too much of your essay repeats how others thought badly of your decisions and the personal statement is supposed to be about you. It's okay to mention how you were strong and independent enough to make your own decisions, but right now the focus seems to be: "all these people told me not to, but everything turned out well for me, haha to them." If you started out with some hook describing the conflicting feelings inside you as you knew you had to choose between Georgia Tech and Southern Poly, and then really took the reader through your decision making process, it would allow the admission committee to know more about you, instead about your vindication about your decisions. You could do the same thing with your decision about high schools or marriage (although I don't know how adcoms view personal statements about relationships. I've actually always wondered about this, so anyone who does know, please enlighten me) if you choose. However, I agree with lollypotter that your second essay idea seems more interesting and compelling, but I know some schools require additional essays, so I just wanted to tell you that your original idea isn't completely hopeless =)

I actually don't disagree with much of this. But I still think the original essay was scarily not good.
Homer & Bart: Lisa's going to Stanford, Lisa's going to Stanford...
Lisa: Take it back!
Homer:... Stanford!

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2009, 02:26:45 PM »
So I neglected to write in the previous explanation of my new ps that after I gave up my dream of playing basketball due to my heart condition I kept playing, and have always played, and actually got offered a walk-on spot on my college's team, so I think that would show that the way I dealt with my adversity paid off, or at least would give me a happy ending. Also, I like the pic above, it took me a sec to realize what it was in reference to my OP. But as far as emory is concerned, I need to do more then just get int, like get 60k+ otherwise Im off to Georgia State... should be an interesting cycle..

wendisee

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2009, 11:23:17 AM »
I'm glad lollypotter posted.  I just found this forum and read your PS.  My reactions--correct or incorrect--were the same as hers.  I kept waiting for you to tell me HOW any of this affected you.  Your decision to focus on one specific instance certainly seems like a better idea to me.  Feel free to email me that version at wendisee@lowcountrytitleexam.com.  Lollypotter will probably be better at guiding your content, but I can critique your grammar.

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2009, 06:57:57 PM »
Below is the newest.. a little more time invested and such. I will probably go back and make the passages less flowery de-flower if you will  ;D but otherwise I fell alot better about this one. again brutal honesty accepted and respected..

   My hands slide effortlessly over the worn leather searching for their home in the grooves. I maneuver past one defender, spin past another, let the ball kiss off the backboard and pass through the net. This is a place where eloquent aggression gives birth to deceptive fluidity in a way that would engender envy in a ballerina. This is a sanctuary where my afflictions are admonished and fears relinquished. It is a place where I can forget the pains of which the world seems to never give enough. This is where I have matured from childhood to manhood, where I have learned some of my most important lessons and fought some of my toughest battles. This is the basketball court, and from an early age it has been my haven.
   Although I have never played basketball for a team, I have played since I was very young. The first goal I ever played on was also my favorite, an old bucket with the bottom cut out nailed to the side of my house at some indeterminate height. The point wasn’t for it to be nice, expensive, or even dependable. The point was for me learn the methods of the game; be it against imaginary defenders, inanimate objects, or people. I would close my eyes and pretend I was on a court leading a team to victory or doing all I could to avoid defeat.
   The way I learned to play basketball was in no way typical, being taught and played by a woman who was over six feet tall and had been the first captain of an ACC powerhouse. Fortunately for me she was also my mother. Being raised by a single parent can be difficult for everyone involved, child and parent alike. But we had a bond that few in our situation had, and that was through the love of basketball. Some particular traits I inherited through playing her was a drive to win and an attitude on the court that told me to never stop, no matter how tired I was or how much it hurt. She taught me that the game was won and lost through effort; whoever gave the most would do the best. 
   Naturally, as I got better, I wanted to see how my capabilities truly measured up against the best I could find resulting in a search for more challenging competition. Every time I tested these waters I emerged with a new perspective and approach. I became well versed in the intricacies of reducing my opponent to a set of weaknesses that could be exploited for my success. As my experiences progressed my competitiveness heightened. The next step in my journey was the most difficult for numerous reasons and would prove to be the one of the defining moments in both my relationship with basketball and my life.
   Tryouts for my high school’s basketball team required the survival of conditioning, both mental and physical. We had to be simultaneously athletic and intuitive to beat our opponent through manipulation of their aforementioned points of weakness. We had to be able to execute regardless of the circumstance. None of the preceding requisites proved to be the locus of my shortcoming. In the process of being medically cleared to play my doctor discovered that I had severe hypertension coupled with a heart murmur. These two ailments in conjunction with one another were conducive to cardiac complications at any moment of overexertion. The doctor was surprised that I wasn’t displaying any outward indicators such as numbness in my extremities or experiencing symptoms such as kidney failure or difficulty breathing.
   The news was as shocking as it was disheartening. I had worked so hard to only have my dream stolen away by something that was out of my control. I would be lucky to not have a heart attack before my forties much less participate in competitive basketball. I decided otherwise. I researched my condition, methods of alleviation and courses of correction. I drastically altered my diet, my lifestyle and my approach to training. The intensity that burned inside refused to dwindle and drove my voracious disposition to new heights.
         College proved to be a proverbial test of my dauntlessness through the introduction of a slew of new competition. My athletic abilities and intellectual understanding of the game developed to a profound level and resulted in one of the proudest moments of my life. On one of my more ravenous days I realized the school’s coach had been intently critiquing my abilities and competency in the sport. Shortly thereafter I was invited to tryouts as one of only three players not recruited outwardly by the school. An offer that is rarely seen and afforded me the notion that I was capable enough to compete on a level for which a select few are qualified.
         I have discovered through my hardships that perseverance allows me to overcome my burdens and realize my dreams. It is at this point in my pedantic pursuit of personal galvanization that another endeavor bides me into its presence. The intellectual pursuit of law has been lingering in my self-conscious for some time and at this point is brought to light in an effort to begin a new direction in my self-discovery. Taking the drive I learned through my aversion to adversity will allow me to survive and excel through the methodical and cerebral rigors that the study of law provides. Emory University’s progressive expertise in Intellectual Property and partnership with the Georgia Institute of Technology through the TI:GER program coupled with its excellence in diversity make it the perfect place for me to begin the pursuit of my goals in law.

wendisee

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2009, 08:12:38 PM »
deflower a little and take out the part in the last sentence about diversity--it draws attention away from the academic focus of the sentence, which is the REAL reason you want to go to Emory.  Otherwise--much, much better.  You might expand a little if the word limit allows on WHY the changes you made kept you from dropping dead.  As it stands, that paragraph might appear like you are hard-headed, thinking you know better than the doctor, instead of overcoming adversity--which would be a plus.

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #17 on: October 10, 2009, 09:51:34 PM »
ill be sure to deflower... the word limit is being pushed as it stands, im at 11.5 font and right at 2 pages double spaced, emory wants 12 font, so if I wanted to expand on my reasoning for doing my own thing, what do you think would be the best to take out? thanks again for the help everyone..