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Author Topic: please butcher my PS  (Read 2845 times)

zreinhar

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please butcher my PS
« on: September 23, 2009, 07:47:32 PM »
Below is my PS. I have good numbers and am looking for money from Emory. (3.71 with a 168)

People have always questioned my decisions. I canít say that I blame them, Iím sure that from the outside they could look outlandish, backwards, or even downright stupid. But I have never been one to follow, and have taken pride in my ability to find my own way. It has probably been more of a means of discovering who I am as an individual than actually making any of the choices. From my early life, to my education, to my marriage I have only been interested in what fits best for me. I have also found that this traditionally not been what fits best for everyone else.     

As a child I had trouble identifying myself, being a child of a single parent can be rough on both parties involved. While everyone bragged about how strong their dad was, I was curious as to how strong my father was. When it came my turn to say what feat of strength he could perform, all I could do was shrug and say that I didnít have a dad. This was an early force that controlled the interest in self-discovery and understanding that has followed me throughout my life as well as exhibited itself in my choices.

Of the choices I have made, one that comes up often is in regards to my high school. I had the option of attending two separate institutions for high school. McEachern was one of the top schools in the state while the other, Osborne, always seemed one incident away from closing. My natural choice was the latter. This choice was one of the defining moments of my life because as result I have found that were you go to school depends wholly on how hard you work and what you are willing to sacrifice for you dreams. Taking this mentality and applying it to the college I was to choose resulted in quite a backlash from those close to me.

I only applied to two schools, and got in to both. I was one of 4 students at my high school to be accepted to Georgia Institute of Technology. I also applied to Southern Polytechnic State University, more as a fallback than anything else. But in the process of praying, and searching for where I belonged I realized that it was at Southern Poly. Many teachers at my high school berated me for this choice and wrote it off as me being lazy, scared, or some combination. But in the end I knew the right place for me would be a place where I could learn, experience, excel, and grow as both a student and as an individual while finding out more about who I truly am.   

While at Southern Poly I was given many opportunities to give back to my institution, push myself as a student, and lead my fellow students. I welcomed these chances with open arms and experienced personal prosperity that I would have lacked anywhere else. I have been president of both a National Honor Society, and a successful robotics competition team. I have able to test my academic poise by being a member of the university honors program. I have gained real world experience working at the Georgia Tech Research Institute. I have led lowerclassmen through my assistantships and mentorship. In all, I have made the right choice over and over again, regardless of what others have said.

The choice that many regarded as the most impactful was my decision to get married. While that isnít as earth-shattering as it may sound, keep in mind that the woman I married was 18 at the time to go along with my own 21 years. Many people wrote it off as immaturity and not knowing what I was getting into. But I knew that I was ready to write the chapter of my life about the woman I wanted to stay with forever.

I look to the future again in an effort to continue my life long journey of self-discovery and can think of no better place to accomplish this task than Emory Law School. Emoryís prestigious theoretical training coupled with its renowned practical trial techniques seminars make it the law school I wish to call my own.

Note that flow and word choice will be imrpoved in the final draft...

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2009, 10:43:56 AM »
I take it by the lack of replies that I have either alot of work to do or no work to do... I'll guess I'll come up with another topic...

LloydChristmas

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2009, 11:20:47 AM »
That's not particularly the case - it's just really difficult to critique a personal statement on a forum. 

You may want to talk a little bit about WHY you'll be a good lawyer, or WHY you want to go to law school.  Otherwise, it's a good narrative.
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zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2009, 02:06:25 PM »
That makes sense, from what I read in alot of the other posts adcoms tend to read alot of "Why I want to be a lawyer" or "Why I'll be a good lawyer" I thought they were looking for more of something that describes the unique aspect I could bring to a classroom discussion. Though I'm sure I could be wrong..

mccarthy

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2009, 05:07:09 PM »
I don't want to be a jerk, but the content of your statement isn't the only thing being judged, and you have several common comma errors that I noticed right off the bat.  Considering the importance of the document, you should really go over the grammar with a fine-toothed comb

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2009, 02:01:23 PM »
haha no offense taken. The first draft was just to iron out my subject flow and overall ideas/approaches. I don't want to invest time going over grammatical issues if my final draft is going to be vastly different. But I guess I'll just iron out what I have here and go from there. It's hopefully halfway decent to the schools I'm looking to get into. I'll prob have run of the mill Recs too. Im hoping my GPA, ECs, and LSAT will put me above most of the other applicants to Emory.. either way thanks for taking a gander..

writetrackad

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2009, 02:05:05 AM »
Zreinhar,

Your statement is solid, but lacks the provocative and compelling style that truly distinguishes good law school statements from standout statements.  Your content is great, but the delivery could be signficantly enhanced and todld in a more compelling fashion - especially in the introduction, which is the most key component of the statement.

If you would like to see samples of successful personal statements, or would like professional help with your personal statement, please contact me directly.

Best,

Kal, Write Track Admissions
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lollypotter

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2009, 07:53:09 AM »
I haven't posted in forever but I had to come on to counter the terrible advice that you are getting here

1. Your content is terrible. for a start, it is your resume and they already see that. You are wasting an opportunity to tell them something special and unique about yourself and you are spending talking about college admissions and extra curriculars.

2. There is no logical flow in your essay.It is full of vague cliches about 'choosing the different path' and how you got 'backlash'. Well, what backlash? You don't explain. And how did you 'know' that these were the right choices for you? Again, you don't elaborate. your examples makes no sense. What does the conclusion have to do with the introduction?

You will get into Emory but it won't be because of this essay (which is terrible). Pick ONE event/issue and use it as the narrative. DESCRIBE this incident with some actual detail instead of vague generalities. IMPLY how this makes you fit with the school. (what has people always criticizing you for your choices got to do with Emory?)

Guy above is a shill

Good luck.
Homer & Bart: Lisa's going to Stanford, Lisa's going to Stanford...
Lisa: Take it back!
Homer:... Stanford!

zreinhar

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2009, 02:28:40 PM »
Dear Lollypotter,

You just made my day. Thank you for not being afraid to tell me what a piece of crap it was as I was waiting to hear that. I have decided to instead write about dealing with my heart issues that caused me to give up my dream of playing basketball. I realize that it would result in a more in-depth passage to explain one instance my ability to overcome adversity. Also thanks for the realism in your declaration of my admission to Emory. You're actually the first person to tell me that. I will be sure to re-write, do you mind if I pm you personally?

thanks

lollypotter

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Re: please butcher my PS
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2009, 03:55:25 PM »
Wow, you took that criticism well  ;) Look, I'm really really happy to look it over so pm me. Your next example sounds sooooo much better and you will get into Emory regardless so relax!
Homer & Bart: Lisa's going to Stanford, Lisa's going to Stanford...
Lisa: Take it back!
Homer:... Stanford!