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Author Topic: is my PS too corny/lame?  (Read 1413 times)

kbo026

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is my PS too corny/lame?
« on: September 14, 2009, 02:47:25 PM »
it's just a rough draft, but let me know what you think...i'm trying to decide between doing a more personal essay and a more generic one (i want to be a lawyer because...) any feedback is appreciated! :)

writetrackad

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Re: is my PS too corny/lame?
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2009, 10:24:19 PM »
Dear Kbo26,

Above all, your theme and storyline are very strong, and you write in a solid fashion.  However, there are many ways this statement can be enhanced, and ultimately, made into a strong and compelling statement.  First, the way you tell the story, from an objective standpoint, reads very cliche and forced.  your essays generally need stronger transitions between ideas, to help the fluidity of the read for the admissions committee.  Your sentences tend to be a bit choppy and disjointed, and therefore, would make for a more active read if your were able to integrate ideas with transition words and phrases.  Second, your essay largely would be significantly enhanced with more active, colorful and animated word choice and writing.  Ultimately, the key with admissions essays is to be original, be remembered weeks after your essays have been reviewed, and most importantly, market yourself as an indispensable student who will enrich the law school community.  Creative and colorful language achieves this. Third, the essay can benefit from better structuring.  Paragraphs tend to encompass several different ideas, and you also have a penchant for redundancy.  In order to curb this, you can tighten up your ideas and create space with the word quotas for new material.  Fourth, the style of the essays need further polishing.  The language, in many instances, seems forced and inappropriate, and it seems as if you are forcing eloquent writing when it is perhaps not in order.  I can tell you are a solid writer, but the tenor of the piece does not flow and suffers from poor word choice in many instances.

These are my general critiques.  If you would like more in-depth review of your statement, and your candidacy, please contact me directly at my email, info@writetrackadmissions.com.

Kal, Write Track Admissions
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amclane

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Re: is my PS too corny/lame?
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2009, 03:25:59 PM »
I have to say, I'm not an expert by any means and I really havent read many personal statements.

BUT... I'm a little confused. I loved your story and it is very touching. I just don't think it would convince anyone to admit you to law school. I think you need to out a positive spin on the story. Maybe how it helped you grow as a person. Something to convince people you would be a good law student besides "wow, she has a sad story and is a good writer."

You need to make this story relevant. That's just my thought.

writetrackad

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Re: is my PS too corny/lame?
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2009, 09:38:53 PM »
Kbo26,

What is your direct email, I can send you some samples of successful law school personal statements. Please email me directly with your email address so I can send them directly to you.

Best,

Kal, Write Track Admissions
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casualremark

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Re: is my PS too corny/lame?
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2009, 11:55:04 PM »
i spy some typos (...afraid *to* act..., ...intense..., some punctuation you might wanna double-check) but overall a good piece of writing. like pp said, it might be helpful to bring it home to law school a little more directly. (and, call me dense, but i'm not sure the last sentence works like you'd want it to work; i had to read it twice to get what i think you meant...)     
your PS has a lot of your heart in it, kudos.