Above all, your theme and storyline are very strong, and you write in a solid fashion. However, there are many ways this statement can be enhanced, and ultimately, made into a strong and compelling statement. First, the way you tell the story, from an objective standpoint, reads very cliche and forced. your essays generally need stronger transitions between ideas, to help the fluidity of the read for the admissions committee. Your sentences tend to be a bit choppy and disjointed, and therefore, would make for a more active read if your were able to integrate ideas with transition words and phrases. Second
, your essay largely would be significantly enhanced with more active, colorful and animated word choice and writing. Ultimately, the key with admissions essays is to be original, be remembered weeks after your essays have been reviewed, and most importantly, market yourself as an indispensable student who will enrich the law school community. Creative and colorful language achieves this. Third
, the essay can benefit from better structuring. Paragraphs tend to encompass several different ideas, and you also have a penchant for redundancy. In order to curb this, you can tighten up your ideas and create space with the word quotas for new material. Fourth
, the style of the essays need further polishing. The language, in many instances, seems forced and inappropriate, and it seems as if you are forcing eloquent writing when it is perhaps not in order. I can tell you are a solid writer, but the tenor of the piece does not flow and suffers from poor word choice in many instances.
These are my general critiques. If you would like more in-depth review of your statement, and your candidacy, please contact me directly at my email, email@example.com
Kal, Write Track Admissions