waitlist update...how does it sound?

[Kels]

Dear Admissions Committee at XXX:

I am excited to inform you that I have just been notified of my grades for the Spring 2009 semester. I received a 4.0 GPA taking thirteen hours. My cumulative GPA will increase accordingly. I recently sent LSAC an updated transcript so you will be receiving it soon. I have checked your waitlist status online and am aware that you have received sufficient seat deposits at the beginning of May and that you will possibly review the waitlist come the middle of June. I would like you to know that XXX remains my number one choice and I will accept an offer immediately. My second seat deposit at my top choice that I have been accepted to thus far is soon approaching, so the sooner I can hear from you the better; but in the mean time I will continue to patiently wait. I wish you the best of luck in your decision making.

Sincerely,

Kels

How does this sound? I was thinking the third sentence may be unnecessary.

[Scentless Apprentice]

You can combine that 3rd sentence in the beginning -

Something like "I am excited to inform you that I recently sent LSAC my updated transcripts reflecting the Spring 2009 semester.."

I would take out the last sentence.

[Northwoods]

The most important part of your/any LOCI is "XXX remains my number one choice and I will accept an offer immediately," but you've got it buried in the middle of a paragraph. Move it to the lede, or at least break a second paragraph at that point.